Fighting the fear of moving forward

It's been awhile since I wrote last so I figured it was probably time. Truth is I've been having pretty good days, but I've still been having a few bad days. Luckily, the bad days have become further and farther in between, but I have to admit, I had a pretty bad day this past weekend.

I recently had one of the hardest days I've had in awhile and it took me time to recoup. It just seems like I constantly hear that everyone and their sister seems to be pregnant all at the same time, I hear women complaining about their morning sickness completely unaware that so many of us would kill to be in their shoes, women complaining that they've been trying to get pregnant for "so long" when it's only been 2-8 months or even a year., women who claimed they didn't even want kids two years ago and are now having a baby...I hear all these things and they infuriate me and make me bitter...and then I get infuriated with myself for being bitter about someone else's happiness. It's honestly a vicious cycle and one I would never wish on anybody...Truth be told, "national daughter's day" this past week was a knife to my heart all day long and I felt the pain of losing her all over again..I absolutely considered getting rid of all social media so I wouldn't have to see it as much...

In looking back and reading through my previous paragraph, I want to delete it. I don't want to admit that I have those thoughts or bitter feelings. I don't want to admit to being a selfish jerk, I don't want you all to read it and think less of me...but I've promised to be honest and open with this blog so there it is.

Whenever I am feeling that way, something I have to keep telling myself on repeat: becoming a mom is not a competition and there's no use in comparing our story to someone else's. I'm a relatively intelligent woman, I know this, but I will admit I have been guilty of comparing our hardships with the relative ease of others. I have found myself truly happy for those I know who become pregnant and then I've found myself crying on the floor in my bathroom over the very same news...I'm not proud of it...and I don't want it to take away from the excitement I absolutely have for them and honestly, the fact that I feel anything but joy for them brings more guilt than I could ever describe. I know that there are women out there who have suffered miscarriages and they feel the same as me, but then I also know of other women who seem to be handling it or who have handled it so much better than I am and I feel ashamed. So, due to this vicious cycle that I don't want to be a part of anymore, I have made the executive decision to simply stop. We all know life is not fair, life is not something we can plan out and have it go accordingly, we have no control over what may happen, BUT we do have control over how we react and how we handle ourselves. Thus (yes I said thus), I am getting my head out of my self-pitying a** and truly moving forward. 

Since receiving Hermes' test results and speaking with our doctors, it has been decided that IVF is our next course of action. This was the path we were on before our little girl graced our lives and it's now back in play. We actually found out that, due to my body going back to "normal" quicker than anticipated, we could have started IVF last month. Hermes and I grappled with the decision of moving forward so soon or waiting and we decided it was best to wait. Trust me, I wanted to jump right in and get pregnant again the minute I could, but with multiple weddings, birthdays and a trip to Hawaii scheduled, we thought it was best to wait. We didn't want to stress each other out during these happy times, celebrations and vacations so we are going to enjoy ourselves and begin IVF when we get back.

I'm not going to lie...I've really wrestled with the fear of moving forward, the choices and decisions we will have to make, as well as deciding how open I want to be during this entire process.

Hermes and I recently found out someone was pregnant when they were around 7 weeks and Hermes' initial response was that it was really early to be telling people. My question to him was why? The whole point of not telling people early on is in case you suffer a loss...well we've kinda been there and done that and I have obviously done this entire thing backwards...I didn't tell a lot of people except family and a few close friends that I was pregnant, but I've now seemingly told everyone I know and anyone who cares to listen or read about our loss.  Having said that, am I really strong enough or brave enough to share our entire IVF process with you all? Am I really ready to let everyone into our lives? Not just into our past and talk about what has already happened, but actually share with you what may happen and what is yet to be? Can I really tell you all about the entire IVF process, all of the drugs, shots, side effects, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, egg retrieval, the waiting, monitoring, actual in vitro process, more waiting and then the news if we magically become pregnant or not while we are actually going through it and learning about it ourselves? I am an extremely open person, obviously, but I still haven't decided if I'm able, willing or frankly strong enough to do all of that...I feel like there is a huge difference between providing a play by play of our lives as it's happening compared to sharing the "not top ten" that has already occurred...I know a few women who have done it and they are so open, exposed and raw and are honestly my heroes; I'm just not sure I can be as strong and brave as they are and were in sharing their experiences so it looks like only time will tell.

Now on top of the uncertainty of IVF in general, Hermes and I are struggling with the decision of "trying" for twins or not. It will absolutely depend on how many embryos we end up having, if any, and what their grades are. Depending on all of those factors, we can then decide if we want to implant only one embryo or multiple ones and it's most likely going to be a game time decision. There is always the possibility that even implanting more than one would only result in one baby or no babies. (Sidebar-many people think that IVF automatically means you'll become pregnant, but that is not the case. Truth be told, I think the rate of success is still only 67% or so and I know people who are going in their third and fourth round of IVF and still not pregnant so that's always in the back of your mind as well. End sidebar.) There's also the possibility that even if we implant only one, it could magically split and become twins on it's own. Personally, I would LOVE twins. I think that while it would be difficult and crazy, it would be amazing to have two babes at the same time and it would help us make up for lost time in a way. While the thought of twins absolutely excites me, the possibility of something going wrong and the unknown scares me even more. 

We could implant two embryo's and magically get pregnant with twins and then lose one or both...the risk of miscarriage is higher with multiples. On top of that, even if my body was able to keep both babies, multiples carry the risk of delivering prematurely which can then cause numerous problems, health issues, etc. that the babies would possibly have to deal with their entire lives. I absolutely hate that these thoughts even pop in my head, let alone all of the time. I really think ignorance is bliss at times like this and I would much rather not know about all of the risks and potential outcomes.

Whenever I think about the possibilities of what could go wrong, I become frustrated with myself all over again and just remember my grandma saying there was no point in worrying over something that may never happen. It's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle, I can't always control my ever wandering thoughts, but I'm trying. I'm choosing to be excited about IVF and all of the possibilities that lie ahead as opposed to being fearful. 

While I am looking forward and thinking ahead, I can't help but think that I would have been 18 weeks pregnant yesterday...we would have found out we were having a girl and may have even had a gender reveal. It is difficult to think about, but instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling, I'm actively moving forward. As scary as it may be, I'm trying to focus on the possibility of becoming pregnant with another little one and now deciding whether I'm going to share that with all of you. 

With tomorrow being my birthday I'm praying for some "one year older" wisdom to help me decide how vocal I want to be in moving forward. It's a decision Hermes and I will make together, but God bless that man, he is so supportive and just tells me to do whatever I think will help so we'll see.

I'm going to end this post with a quote posted by someone I follow on Instagram. I'm going to focus on the fact that we are now hopefully on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. Thanks for reading! 

Playing the blame game? I'd rather play monopoly...

I wanted to write a post that was more lighthearted, hopeful, maybe made people laugh as that's one of my favorite things to do, but so far this post is not turning out to be that. Sorry guys.

Honestly, is it just me or when something is going on in your life you happen to see it everywhere on a tv show, commercial, or constant reminders elsewhere? I know that with almost anything I watch or read or encounter in every day life lately I'm either seeing a baby, a pregnant woman, someone just finding out they're pregnant, or god forbid, someone losing their child. I know it's not just for me either. I know that single friends of mine constantly see people in love or getting married, people with cancer or other diseases constantly see reminders of that disease or others fighting through it as well, people going through divorce or loss of jobs see it everywhere, etc.

With being constantly reminded, it's easy to start wondering what you could have done differently to change the outcome, if you caused this and what you did wrong. I know that I've definitely had thoughts wondering what I did to cause the situation we are in with infertility and miscarriage.

With our pregnancy, I stopped drinking coffee and my beloved diet dr. peppers. I switched face wash, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, make up, moisturizers, etc. My new shampoo and conditioner were such crap that they left gunk and build-up in my hair even right after washing that made it feel dirtier than when I had stepped into the shower, but I was determined to use it dammit. No parabens or sulfates or other horrible things that would cause my baby to have 10 heads and 10 arms and legs? Count me in! Screw you Herbal Essence, I'm going with the delightful all natural stuff. I will gladly look like a drippy grease monkey if it means keeping my baby safe, right?

I stopped drinking caffeine cold turkey (sorry Hermes, and well...everyone), I stopped eating deli meats, didn't eat seafood, didn't eat soft cheeses, drank enough water to sink a ship and abided by all of the eight million other do's and don'ts that are out there. I prayed every day, kept stress levels as low as I could, didn't lift heavy objects including my beloved pup, got plenty of sleep, was eating healthier, walking more and so on and so on.

Even with feeling like I was doing everything right, it ended up not mattering. What more could I or should I have done? Was I just such an awful person; had I done such awful things in my past that karma was coming back to haunt me? Did I do this?...to my husband and myself and our baby?...

I've realized that I am definitely not alone in playing this oh so fun blame game, and I also know that society's perception doesn't always help. In reading so many other blogs and posts and stories out there, one of the common suggestions is that infertility and miscarriage are kept so secret and quiet because we, as women, and much of society feel like we had to have done something wrong to cause it or to not get pregnant easily. I'm starting to realize that this is absolutely not true. Not being able to have a baby "naturally" does not make anyone a failure. Even if you do get pregnant, as I've said in a previous post, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in miscarriage through no fault of anyone involved. It is unfortunately just "one of those things" that is all too common and we need to stop blaming ourselves.

I can blame myself for getting chubby because I eat like crap far too often, eat too much almost always and don't ever work out. I can blame myself for having a headache because I drank too much the night before. I can blame myself for not having dinner on the table because I was too lazy to go to the grocery store that day. There are plenty of things I can blame myself for, but this should not be one of them.

Hermes and I secretly took videos when we told our family we were pregnant and I watched those videos today for the first time since our loss. In these videos, we had just found out the week before that we were pregnant and my whole family was all at Clear Lake (the lake I practically grew up on and one of my favorite places in the world) for a week during Fourth of July.

I sat on my couch and cried today while watching the smiles and laughter, tears of joy and surprise from our loved ones. Watching these was pretty difficult, but it also gave me hope. Hope that we will get to see the joy and excitement in our families' eyes again and be able to add a cousin for our nephews and niece and finally add to our growing family. After watching these I'm going to try and focus on the hope, I'm going to try and be done playing the blame game and I'm going to go play cards against humanity or something equally inappropriate instead.

(I've tried uploading the video's here, but they may or may not work so here's hoping!)

**(As I've been told, the videos work on a computer, but won't work on your phone for some reason. Sorry!)

In the video above, we gave my dad a "belated Father's Day gift" and wrote a poem explaining we were pregnant in the card. Needless to say they were surprised.

In this video above, my sister's reaction comes across a little stoic, but she definitely cried after we stopped taping :)

Amanda's (my sister in law's) reaction was honestly my favorite 

My brother may drive me crazy some days, but for some reason his reaction made me cry the most

How to support and not hurt

Having gone through infertility for the past two years as well as our recent miscarriage, I have discovered that many people don't know how to talk to me about all or any of it. So many people mean well, but having never gone through any of it before, they can't relate and aren't sure what to say.

I've talked with multiple friends going through infertility or miscarriage about the things that people say that can often feel like a constant punch to the gut so today, I felt like I would write some advice to others who don't know what we're going through or feeling to keep you from unwillingly and unknowingly hurting someone else with your words.

I realize that there are a lot of people out there who have no idea what women like me are going through in dealing with these issues, so below are some top things I have polled from fellow ladies who do understand and have been told things they wish they hadn't during this difficult time. Being a little more cognizant of the best ways to support a friend or family in these situations will keep you from unintentionally causing pain and frankly, can keep you from being on the receiving end of a potential hormonal slap to the face (you really never know, so why risk it? :) )

1. "Have you ever considered adoption?"

Oh my goodness, I haven't, what is that? Please tell me what that is! But really, all sarcasm and snarkiness aside, this question does not help. It's human nature to want to fix a problem and to many people, that's what this question is aimed to do. We know that it comes from a good place, however I promise you that most women going through infertility or miscarriage have thought of this alternative and while it is a wonderful thing and many may end up going this route, many are also not quite there yet. The dream of having your own baby that looks like you or your significant other, the feeling of being pregnant and getting to feel your baby grow and kick inside of you is not one that goes away easily, if ever. I know that in our case we want to exhaust every possible option before adoption becomes our reality, but that doesn't mean we haven't thought about it so please, don't ask this as if all other options are pointless.

2. "I can't believe how easy it was for us to get pregnant!"

That really is amazing. Truly no sarcasm, I am really happy for you but please know that this is seriously a knife to the heart. I've been told this a few different times by different women who either had no idea what we were going through or were just so excited that they simply didn't think about it. I understand the excitement, I really do, but please just think about the other person and what they may be going through. It really is wonderful that getting pregnant and becoming a mom was and is so easy for you, but don't be ignorant to the fact that not everyone is that fortunate.

3. "I still can't believe it, we weren't even really trying!"

This coincides with #2 above, but my friends and I have heard this so many times and I know that I've almost started crying each and every time. It's again just one of those things that hurts and people need to be aware of. You are absolutely allowed to be excited and amazed that you are one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant so easily, just be aware of who you're talking to when you say certain things and know that it might not be the same for them.

4. "Don't worry, it'll happen."

This one may confuse people who have never been through infertility or miscarriage. It seems so well meaning and supportive. However, when you've been trying for so long, or have just lost a baby, bitterness can creep in and the future is so uncertain. I admit that I have found myself crying to Hermes after being told this by someone earlier in the day and screaming "Really?? How do you know that? Why does your crystal ball work and mine doesn't?! You don't know that it will happen for us so how could you say that?!" I admit this was not one of my finer moments...and I am not proud of the bitter feelings that I sometimes have, but this is just one of those things that we are questioning everyday wondering if it will ever happen so to hear this just brings back all of those questions.

5. "Just relax, it'll happen when you aren't stressing about it and least expect it."

This also coincides with #4. We know you're trying to be helpful and we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends, but this doesn't really help. It's near impossible to not stress when everyone around you is getting pregnant and having perfect, healthy babies. It's near impossible to not stress when taking mood altering medications, shots, etc. It's near impossible to not stress when you have a chart or multiple apps documenting your temperature, cycles, ovulation days, etc.

Now I have the added element that Hermes and I actually did get pregnant when we weren't stressing or planning for it because we were scheduled to do IVF the next month and didn't think we could get pregnant naturally so I'm kind of contradicting this. But then we lost our baby and now I'm even more stressed than before. The thought of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant and then losing another baby are some of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever had so being stress free isn't really an option right now.

I am keeping my faith and trying so hard to not lose hope, but not stressing out doesn't seem realistic.

6. "Well at least your husband is healthy, be thankful for that."

I've received this comment a few different times and while I would like to think it's just people trying to help, it makes me feel like you think I'm a jerk and not beyond grateful that my husband is cancer free. This comment made me think that I shouldn't be upset or concerned about our fertility issues or losing our baby and that I wasn't counting my blessings enough. It took me a long time to realize that I can be appreciative of all that I have while still being upset about one of the things I've wanted my entire life. So please, please do not make someone going through this feel bad about themselves or feel like they're ungrateful, that is the furthest thing from helping.

7. There are too many things I've been told that fall within this category so instead of an actual statement I'm going to simply say, don't belittle the problem. You may not think it's a big deal but to this person, it's everything. They know other bad things could happen, but that doesn't make this any less worse for them. And for the love, don't tell them to be glad they don't have kids and then compare it to the no sleep you're getting with your healthy, happy kids.

8. Coinciding with #7, do not complain about your pregnancy to someone who would kill to be in your shoes. Yes, morning sickness, bloating, constipation, acne, heartburn, all of that is not pleasant, but so many of us would love to live with our head in the toilet if it meant being pregnant and giving birth to a happy, healthy baby. I'm not belittling how you feel or saying you can't complain about feeling like crap and I'm sorry that you do, just be careful who you complain to.

9. "Oh you're young you have plenty of time."

True...until you're not. We've already been trying for two and a half years and who knows how much longer it will take. I turn 29 in less than a month and being married to a doctor who knows the risks of having kids past 35 better than most, our clock is ticking. I know many women who have had perfect babies after 35, but I also know that's not the case for everyone so this ticking time bomb is always in the back of my mind. If I was 21 and you said this, I may agree, but I always thought I'd have at least two kids by age 30 and now I'll be so lucky if I have one.

10. "Well, at least you got pregnant."

Yes, I was pregnant and I wasn't sure if I would ever be so that is amazing. Yet there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant again and there's no guarantee I'll sustain a pregnancy. I'm once again constantly praying and hoping I will, but this statement is not overly productive.

11. "You'll have other babies."

I pray you're right, but this one goes back to the crystal ball that I don't have so I don't know if this will happen. I can only have hope and have faith that it will all work out.

12. "At some point it's just a cluster of cells." ......

I have not been told this particular comment, but I know someone who has after her miscarriage and I'm really not even sure how this comment was supposed to help in any way. Just because some women miscarry early doesn't make it any less real or heartbreaking or feel any less than the loss of a child. I would like to think that most people have enough common sense to not say things like this person did, but the fact that people aren't always thinking is unfortunately more and more evident each day. So please, I beg you, think before you speak and try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine yourself going through one of the worst things of your life and think of things you would want to hear, not just whatever pops into your mind or you think you should say.


Now after telling you what my friends and I hope you won't do, let me tell you what you can do. Actively listen to your friend, hug them when they want or need a hug and just be there to support them. Once again, I know it's human nature to want to fix a problem and make it better, but that's not always an option. So instead of trying to fill the silence with any of the above statements, just tell that person that you are so sorry they are going through this, whether it's infertility or miscarriage, and you are here for them. Bring them dinner, make them laugh, let them cry and just be there to hold their hand.

I've had many friends unsure of what they should or should not say when around me, if they should talk about it or dance around it and everyone is different. I'm okay with talking about it and am just looking for support, even if there's no true understanding. Knowing that I have so many friends and family who do care has been some of the best medicine I could ever have.

This post is not meant to shame anyone if you have said some of these things in the past, nor to make anyone feel guilty. It is simply to inform and hopefully help you understand some friends and family in the future who may unfortunately be dealing with these issues.

I'll leave it with this poem my sister sent me soon after our loss and I could not have said it better myself.