It has been a ridiculously long time since my last post, but we're about to say goodbye to 2015 and I have many thoughts running through my mind. 2015 wasn't exactly Hermes and my best year, but I have high hopes that 2016 will change all that. After a recent discussion with someone, I have decided that my New Year's resolution is to come across as grateful and appreciative of my life as I truly am (apparently I've been doing a horrible job at that) and to continue to take one day at a time, hopefully with a smile on my face.
This post is probably going to be all over the place so please bear with me. I usually write to express how I'm feeling and to talk to other women who are going through the same thing so they feel they aren't alone. Today, however, I want to wrap up 2015 by hopefully talking to people who have never had to deal with infertility or miscarriage and try and get you to see what it's like so you can hopefully understand a little more and can be there for someone you know.
I have been a Cleveland sports fan my entire life. They don't make it easy and there are certainly days when you want to give up on them, but you don't. Lately, I've been feeling a bond with them that I hadn't before. I was recently told that due to our infertility and miscarriage, I am resentful of others who have children and am ungrateful for what I do have in my life. After being told that I am basically a horrible person, or at least come across that way here on my blog, I've felt that I might be more like Cleveland sports than I ever thought. Maybe it is difficult to love me at times and I make it hard to stand by me through all of our trials and tribulations, but hopefully people who do stick by me see the potential through my mistakes and continue to hold out hope anyways, a feeling that us Cleveland fans know all too well.
First off, if I have offended people with my past blogs or made you feel like I resent you or that all I'm doing is complaining, I am deeply and truly sorry and that was never my intent. Infertility and miscarriage really are all consuming and it's becoming more and more clear to me that there is no way to understand that unless you've gone through it yourself.
My recent discussion with said person above left me in tears multiple nights in a row and made me try to get them to understand where I was coming from. This person has made it 1000% clear that they wholeheartedly disagree with me and my feelings and that they can't even see why I would feel the way I do. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I must respect that, the stubbornness in me wants to make others at least understand where I'm coming from so badly so I'm going to try one last ditch effort and use my beloved Cleveland Browns to hopefully shed a little light on the subject.
Please note that this is absolutely an oversimplification of how most women I know who are fighting infertility and miscarriage feel, but I wanted to keep it as simple as possible to hopefully get a point across. I'm sorry if I just come across ridiculous, but here goes.
So back to Cleveland.....oh Cleveland...You have a bad rap and are judged by many people, but you are also so loved by many and have some of the most loyal fans on the face of the earth. I find that the Cleveland Browns in particular have a weird parallel to our infertility/miscarriage journey and hopefully my babbling will make sense and help even just one person who has never had to go through these issues understand a little more what it's like.
For me, infertility really is a lot like the Cleveland Browns. They struggle day in and day out and just can't seem to get there. They generally can't even achieve a winning season let alone the Super Bowl. So each year, the Super Bowl comes and goes and they're nowhere near it. As a Cleveland fan, it's not that you're not happy for the other teams who are playing, or that you feel they don't deserve it. You know most have worked hard to get where they are and some are frankly just born with the God given talent to be amazing at their sport and you don't hold that against them. Sure, you wish it was your team who could make it to the top and it hurts that it feels like it never will be, but that's not the other teams' fault. You may be jealous of them and absolutely want what they have, but, as the good sportsman that I hope you are, you don't begrudge them of what they have or feel they aren't deserving. You aren't trying to and don't want to take away from what they have and what they've accomplished, it just hurts that you can't seem to ever have the same thing.
For me, our infertility experience is a lot like Cleveland football. Every year I hold out hope that this year will be different and we'll get to our super bowl (sorry that's pretty lame, sticking with the theme I've got going) and every year thus far I've been met with heartache and disappointment. Sure, by the time the Super Bowl comes around, we generally throw a party, have friends over and we watch the teams who are playing. Yes, they may not be "my" team, but I still watch, I root for them and I get genuinely excited when it's a good game and one of them inevitably wins.
Infertility is much the same. I am absolutely heartbroken when it's another year and I'm still without our baby and frankly, losing our baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Yes yes, I know, some of you are judging me and wondering how I could say that when my then 27 year old husband went through 6 months of chemo for Stage III cancer. I've been told I'm not grateful for him and for getting through that because I've been focusing so much on infertility and miscarriage. The difference there was that I wasn't going to lose him, it wasn't an option. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I refused to let him go anywhere. That may sound stupid or naive, but it's how I felt and what helped me get through. Yes, it was unbelievably awful and I hope we never have to go through something like that again, but I refused to think negatively or that he wouldn't get better.
With infertility and our miscarriage, it's different....I tried explaining it to the above mentioned person and it didn't get through, but I will try with you as well. Have you ever had a dream your entire life, truly one dream that meant more than all the others and it just wasn't coming true? This particular person has fortunately been blessed and achieved every dream and goal they set for themselves throughout their life so couldn't relate, but I still tried. I told them that for as long as I could remember, I've wanted to be a mom. Truly, you could ask my mom how many times I talked about it, even as a baby myself. I wanted to babysit and be around kids as much as possible because that was and is my dream. I've had other dreams and have been fortunate enough to reach most of them, but this dream, the ultimate dream, still often feels out of reach.
Please don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. This person repeatedly told me that I was ungrateful and come across horribly so if that is the case, I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart. If I have offended anyone or come across as an ungrateful, selfish brat then I am not doing a good job expressing myself at all. I have accomplished some pretty great things in my 29 years of life and will strive to continue to do so, but the one thing I want more than anything seems to constantly elude me and unfortunately that one thing is all consuming. It doesn't take away from all that I have and am beyond thankful for; I know I'm extremely fortunate and really do have a great life, but knowing that unfortunately doesn't make any of this easier.
I read a study recently that shows that "women with fertility problems are as stressed, anxious, and depressed as women with cancer, heart disease, or HIV. Blood tests, pills, injections, ultrasounds and procedures cause stress and emotional upheaval in women. Also, society fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation."
I've obviously been more open about our struggles than most, but this person made me realize why most people keep it to themselves. I now fully understand the feelings of shame and isolation and I wouldn't wish that on anyone either.
Through all of this babbling and back and forth, I hope that you're still with me and can kind of see what I'm talking about. I promise you, I am so happy for those of you who have kids and have not had to go through any of this. I'm sure you've had other struggles to deal with and if not, that's even better! I wouldn't wish hard times on anyone, let alone my friends and family. But for those of you who may agree with this person who was greatly offended when I said I was happy for all who get pregnant and have kids, but yes, I admit, I am especially happy for those who have struggled day in and day out to get there; for those who have endured losing their babies, for those who have gone through treatment after treatment, side effect after side effect, and more often more debt than ever thought possible just to pay for those things in the hopes of getting the baby they so desperately yearn for? I'm sorry, but yes, I am even happier for these people when the day comes that they are finally pregnant and have their baby. It doesn't and shouldn't take away from all you others who were able to have kids easily. That's truly amazing and please know your infertile friends are happy for you even though it causes them pain that they can't seem to have the same. Their pain has NOTHING to do with you so please PLEASE don't take it personally.
It's honestly like the Cleveland Browns... You're happy for the teams in the Super Bowl and it's fun to watch them year after year, but if your beloved Cleveland Browns actually miraculously made it one year after working so hard and being shot down so many times, you may just feel a little bit happier for them. Once again, it doesn't take away from teams in past years, it simply just gives you hope that even the underdog can achieve their dream.
I'm not holding out any hope that this will do anything to change the above mentioned person's mind. In fact it'll probably end up doing just the opposite and I'll be accused of more things I never intended, but maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else understand the infertility and miscarriage struggle that a loved one is dealing with a little bit more.
Sorry that this was truly all over the place, but I hope that at least some of that made sense. But either way, Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2016 brings everything your heart desires and is truly everyone's best year to date.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
Okay Friday the 13th, I freaking see you...
I've definitely been absent from writing so for those who care to know what's been going on, I'm sorry I've been m.i.a. for awhile and I'm even sorrier that this will be an extremely long post catching you up on everything that has been going on with us.
I had decided I didn't want to share every step of our IVF journey as it was happening in case we did magically get pregnant. I wanted to still have some semblance of normalcy where we would announce our pregnancy in the second trimester and surprise people and everyone would be so excited. I didn't think I wanted everyone to know if were were pregnant the minute we found out if we were pregnant. Well...yet again, life has decided I know nothing and it wants to continue teaching me lessons. I believe today's lesson is the power of prayer and I'm hoping that it works.
Truth is, Hermes and I had an amazing time in Hawaii. We were able to just be together, explore a couple of the islands, make new memories and just spend time as him and me. We didn't dwell on the past two and a half years, the hardships we've had to endure or the obstacles we still have to face. We had a wonderful time in one of the most beautiful places we'd ever been and I am so thankful for that time.
While we didn't focus on the past or previous pain while in Hawaii, we did start thinking of and planning for the future and we began the IVF process. For those who have never had to go through it or even think about it, be so glad that you have no idea what all it entails and for those who have been through it, you are unbelievably strong and I admire you so much.
Mini crash course: IVF stands for in vitro fertilization. IVF is also technically a two month process; you have a prep month and then it really starts. I actually needed to be on birth control pills for a month so that the doctors could manipulate my cycle and control when everything would begin. While on my last week of pills, and subsequently while in Hawaii, I began my first round of shots. I started giving myself one shot in the stomach every night between 7 and 10. Nine days after beginning the shot, we were back from Hawaii and I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and blood work to check my baseline and see where I was. This was the day the real fun began. On top of the one shot I was already giving myself every night, I had to add two additional shots, all of which did very different things. Some were meant to suppress my ovulation so they could control when that happened, others were meant to help grow as many eggs as possible, and lord knows what else. I was also taking multiple pills a night to help with the entire process so keeping track of all the shots, pills, dates, times, etc. started to feel like a full time job.
Now I started the entire IVF process with the best attitude! I was so excited to finally be moving forward and doing something to get us to where we want to be, with a healthy, happy baby. The first shot was the hardest, just because you're not used to stabbing yourself in the stomach. But once I got the hang of it, that shot wasn't bad and when it came to administering three shots a night, I felt like a pro and it just became my "new normal". I was actually proud of myself for maintaining such a positive attitude and staying excited, even though the side effects were anything but fun and my stomach was black and blue all over. I was always fatigued and felt like I was in a constant foggy cloud in my head. On top of taking the medicine which caused the fatigue to begin with, I was giving up caffeine (not to mention alcohol...good lord I miss my wine) cold turkey so that nothing would stand in the way of me growing big, beautiful, fluffy eggs. On top of the fatigue, I was constantly bloated, uncomfortable and could actually feel all of the follicles on my ovaries grow. On top of alllllll of that, I had to go to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds that were anything but comfortable with all those growing follicles and constant blood work. Luckily blood and needles don't bother me like they do my mom or I would have my head between my legs every other day (Love you mom!) The good news throughout all of this, and the thing that I know Hermes appreciated the most, was that I didn't become a huge monster like I was thinking I would. I mean come on, when you're basically forcing your body to go through early menopause and then pumping it full of all these ridiculous hormones, mood swings are considered normal. However, I like to think that I stayed relatively normal (or maybe I'm just a monster every day so we didn't notice any changes?), but either way, Hermes keeps telling me how proud he is of me and how he's impressed with how I've been handling all of this. He told me he was expecting way worse and truth be told, he was dreading all of this way more than I was. He kept saying he hated that we had to go through this at all, hated that I have to put my body through this and would get this solemn look on his face every time I had a painful side effect or had to administer my shots. Needless to say he was not looking forward to the day when he would have to administer additional shots on me himself, but we were still a little ways away from that.
All of those doctors appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests were to let the doctors know when my body had produced enough eggs, when they were mature enough and when my body was ready to remove all those eggs and move to the next step. Now a lot of the numbers I'm about to say won't mean anything to those of you who aren't familiar, but I'll do my best to explain.
The doctor had already told me that I had a high AMH level which means that I had a high egg reserve. That's great news! Right? It's definitely good news in the sense that I should be able to produce many eggs which should hopefully give us more chances at getting a healthy embryo to then implant. However, due to those high levels, she said I was also at risk of developing ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which can be dangerous. Most cases are easily managed, but the really severe cases can lead to fatality, so there was that. Needless to say, the shots that I was having to give myself were already at a smaller dosage than normal so as not to over stimulate me and cause serious issues. Well, my body didn't disappoint and I started responding to the drugs right away. I could feel every twinge, every swell, everything. By the time it got closer to egg retrieval time, I was so bloated and could feel all of my follicles and eggs so much that it felt like a tire was around my entire waist and lower back. Meanwhile, the blood test I was constantly giving showed that my estradiol levels were rapidly climbing which could be a sign of OHSS and could be a bad thing, so I had to begin a different drug to counteract all of that. If my estradiol levels got too high, they may not have been able to do the egg retrieval, and even if they were able, we would most likely not be able to do an embryo transfer this month as my body would be too stimulated, I may need to be hospitalized and blah blah blah, medical jargon garbly gook.
Cue the egg retrieval. A week ago today, I took my 6 month old niece to what will hopefully be her only time ever needing to go to a reproductive endocrinologist appointment and got another ultrasound and blood work. While there, they told me I was getting really close and it looked like I would have to give myself my trigger shot (a completely different shot that actually triggers ovulation) on Saturday and we would have the egg retrieval on Monday morning. The thing about the trigger shot is that it's very time sensitive and you need to take it at exactly the time they tell you and then have the egg retrieval 36 and a half hours after that. (Honestly guys, this science stuff is completely crazy and mind blowing. The things they are able to do astound and amaze me, but also confuse the crap out of me...ah well I digress..)
Four to five hours after my appointment, I receive a call from my doctor stating that my blood work had come back and I actually needed to trigger that night at exactly 7:30, not the next night and the egg retrieval would be set for Sunday, November 8th. My estradiol levels were so high that we needed to move forward and there was a chance I would get OHSS and not be able to do the embryo transfer this month after all. Let me tell you, the sinking feeling in your stomach is not one you get used to...no matter how many times you feel it... but long story short, I stopped all other shots that night, gave myself my trigger shot, sat down with my cup of tea and took it easy for the rest of the weekend. Taking it easy is pretty much all I could do because I was feeling large and in charge and could feel all 25-40 follicles growing in my body (yes, 25-40, holy army growing in my belly).
Early Sunday morning, Hermes and I made our way to our RE's office and the parking lot was a ghost town. This is at the comp rehab facility, not a hospital, so people don't generally work there on the weekends and it really appears as if no one is there. Well thankfully there were about 5 people there who were going to do my egg retrieval. The egg retrieval is an actual surgery where they put you under anesthesia, you have your iv, and all that fun stuff and they aspirate as many eggs out of your who-ha as they can get. I know, I know, I should have been a doctor because my medical description is on point, thank you.
Anyways, they wheeled me back in the room after getting my iv in and start putting me under. I come to 30 minutes or so later (not a long process) and they tell me they were able to retrieve 21 eggs! 21! We were elated! We were told that retrieving 10-15 was normal so my hardworking ovaries apparently came to win, way to go guys! I was then told to go home and rest, drink lots of water and relax. I wasn't in a ton of pain at this point, but was definitely feeling uncomfortable.
Long story short, Sunday and Monday became very uncomfortable and got more painful as the days went on. So much so that I could barely get up without crying out in pain and it was impossible to stand up straight. Luckily I had the best nurse taking care of me and added bonus, he was cute. (He may have been overqualified for the job, but I'll take it.) Anyways, Hermes was so sweet and waited on me hand and foot, all the while taking care of the house, meals and our pup.
Then Tuesday happened....Tuesday was the day that Hermes was dreading because this was the day he was to start giving me progesterone oil shots in the muscle at the top of my butt everyday for at least two weeks and potentially every day for eight weeks. These shots are extremely thick and painful and then cause your butt to feel super sore and bruised for the next couple days, needless to say a bowl full of fun! Well Tuesday morning around 6:30 a.m., Hermes and I head downstairs so he can get my shot ready. The minute I stepped out of bed I could tell something was off. I felt nauseous and dizzy, crampy and in pain. I made it down the stairs slowly, but in the middle of Hermes giving me my shot I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out or both. He had barely pulled the needle out before I scurried to the bathroom and put my face in the toilet. He helped me back upstairs, but had to go to work and couldn't miss so it was me and the dog for the day. The next 6 hours or so were spent with my body breaking out into an entire cold sweat numerous times, becoming so dizzy and nauseous that all I could see were black spots multiple times, luckily falling to my knees and then my back on the bathroom floor so if I did pass out, I wouldn't fall into something and break my body or my face and feeling like my heart was racing. While I felt like my heart was racing and my eyes wouldn't focus, I made the smart decision to try feeling for a pulse and I couldn't find it. This last part was definitely the scariest, but I was determined to crawl back to my bed and wait it out all the while texting Hermes who was trying to insist on taking me to the ER. I was of course stubbornly refusing, I knew I would be fine, I was just being a big baby and he couldn't miss work to come get me. He did force me to call my doctor and see if what was happening was normal or if I needed to go to the emergency room. They told me that the drug I was taking to prevent OHSS was most likely causing all of these issues and can cause super low blood pressure and slow heart rate (which explained the lack of a pulse considering they always comment on how low my blood pressure and heart rate are to begin with, this just made it even worse). I was told to half the dose and call them if I felt worse. Luckily I woke up Wednesday still not feeling great but actually able to stand without awful pain or falling down which equaled a success in my book. We thought that the worst was over and were looking forward to the embryo transfer which was scheduled for today, Friday the 13th.
We were told that out of the 21 eggs they received on Sunday, 17 were mature and they were able to fertilize 11 of the 17. This meant we had 11 embryos that they would monitor and see which one would be the best one to implant. On Wednesday, we received a call that out of the 11 embryos, 5 were above average quality, 2 were average and 4 were behind in development, but they would continue to watch them and hope they caught up. We were thrilled! 5 above average meant that we had multiple ones to choose from to implant and that we should hopefully have a decent amount to freeze so that if, god forbid, this didn't work, I wouldn't need to put my body through the entire IVF process again and we would be able to use the frozen embryo without the need for another egg retrieval. That sounded great to me!
Today was the scheduled day for the embryo transfer. I woke up this morning in a great mood, ready to take on the day and put a baby in my belly! I even text one of my best friends who is two days past her due date and said that hopefully we put a baby in my belly today and we get one out of hers. (I know, I'm so witty..) Hermes had to go to work, but was meeting me at the doctor for the appointment. We got there within two minutes of one another and were eventually taken into a room to wait for the embryologist to go over our embryos and see which one we would implant. We had already agreed that we would only implant one as Hermes and our doctor were hesitant to implant two because of all of the risks associated with multiples and IVF. There are higher miscarriage rates, premature birth rates, birth defects, etc. so while I would absolutely LOVE twins, the doctors' logic won out and we had agreed to implant one.
Hermes and I were so excited, optimistic and joking and laughing about different things. I don't even remember what he said but I was in the middle of laughing pretty hard when I all of a sudden stopped. He looked at me and I just said, "something is about to happen." He asked me what I meant and I just told him that we have been blindsided so many times and I could feel it was about to happen again and I began growing very nervous and anxious. He told me that I was being silly, but I couldn't shake the feeling. Two seconds later the embryologist walked in.... he then began to tell us that out of our 11 embryos, three had arrested so we only had 8 left and out of those 8 they were all below average quality. He couldn't explain what happened and just kept saying they were surprised considering I'm still so young and our results to everything else were so great, my body had produced so many eggs, we had so many embryos, etc. but they were not growing as they should and our little embabies were not what the doctors had hoped for... (enter the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach yet again)...I of course started to tear up which made the poor embryologist quite uncomfortable (he was definitely one of those people who had nervous laughter when uncomfortable which would have made for a comical moment had I not been the one causing his discomfort). He then went on to say that because of the low quality of embryos, he and our doctor were recommending implanting two to give us our best chance...the minute he said that our doctor was on board with this my stomach sunk even further. She had been adamant that she preferred to only implant one good embryo if possible so the fact that she was recommending implanting two really meant that our embabies were not how they should be...
Hermes and I barely had any time to process any of this before we were walked to the "embryo transfer" room. I was told to undress, put my feet in the stirrups and they would begin the process of transferring our embryos. I asked our doctor if this was a Hail Mary pass and while she said she wouldn't characterize it as such, our odds were definitely lower than they expected and they couldn't explain it due to all of our other results, our ages, etc. I laid there (practically upside down on the table they had inverted) clutching my husband's poor hand, with tears streaming down the sides of my face as they performed the embryo transfer. They then had me lie there for 20 minutes (they only recommend 10, but I asked them to let me stay there for 20...I figured more time could only help) and then we got up to leave.
I think I've mentioned it before, but Hermes and I often talk about how we are extremely fortunate and how we have an amazing life. We have each other, we have wonderful friends and family, we have our sweet puppy, we have jobs that we both love, a roof over our heads, and so much more. While we know we are fortunate and truly count our blessings, we also joke that we have some horrendous luck. In the past two and a half years our crappy luck has brought cancer, chemo, infertility, miscarriage and now below average embryos. It's honestly probably a good thing we don't play the lottery, with our luck we'd probably end up owing them money... But while receiving the news before the transfer I told Hermes that our luck was at it again and damn you Friday the 13th. His response was that he didn't even know it was Friday the 13th, but that maybe it should have a reverse effect on us. His reasoning was that since our luck was so bad and Friday the 13th was known for bad luck, then maybe it would magically bring us good luck? Lord I love this man who tries to spin such crap to make me feel better :)
After all of this, I've been wrestling with myself and my emotions for the past 7 and a half hours. I started off trying not to cry and fighting off this feeling of defeat...I then went to a state of absolute prayer and hope and have been praying that maybe we'll have miracle embryos that will stick and result in one and possibly even two babies. And.....then I've gone back again to the defeat, back to prayer, etc. etc. another lovely vicious cycle. I also really wrestled with whether or not I wanted to be so public about this. We're now in the "two week wait" to find out if the transfer worked and I didn't want the added pressure of everyone knowing whether we are actually pregnant or not the minute we find out. On the other hand, I think we could use all of the prayers and good thoughts we can get to see if we get a miracle and in the end, the thought of getting as many prayers as we can get won out and I decided to share.
I'm actually a member of a group on Facebook of women who have suffered miscarriages, infertility, gone through ivf and more from all over the world. I never post on the site but follow others regularly, however today I felt the need to post. So many of these women have reached out with prayers, words of hopes, stories of their own and one really stood out to me. One woman wrote that I need to remember that God is known for giving you double for your trouble. That really resonated with me and gave me more hope so I looked into it more and this is what I am now clinging to.
I'm sorry that this has been such a novel, but Hermes and I just ask for all of the good thoughts and prayers we can get. We really have gone through more in these two and a half years than I ever expected and I'm starting to not feel as strong. I also know that there are others who have been through even more than we have which makes me feel weak and silly to complain so please pray for them as well. I pray for them, I pray for us and I pray that our luck can change, we remain strong and positive and we hopefully receive the best holiday surprise ever.
I had decided I didn't want to share every step of our IVF journey as it was happening in case we did magically get pregnant. I wanted to still have some semblance of normalcy where we would announce our pregnancy in the second trimester and surprise people and everyone would be so excited. I didn't think I wanted everyone to know if were were pregnant the minute we found out if we were pregnant. Well...yet again, life has decided I know nothing and it wants to continue teaching me lessons. I believe today's lesson is the power of prayer and I'm hoping that it works.
Truth is, Hermes and I had an amazing time in Hawaii. We were able to just be together, explore a couple of the islands, make new memories and just spend time as him and me. We didn't dwell on the past two and a half years, the hardships we've had to endure or the obstacles we still have to face. We had a wonderful time in one of the most beautiful places we'd ever been and I am so thankful for that time.
While we didn't focus on the past or previous pain while in Hawaii, we did start thinking of and planning for the future and we began the IVF process. For those who have never had to go through it or even think about it, be so glad that you have no idea what all it entails and for those who have been through it, you are unbelievably strong and I admire you so much.
Mini crash course: IVF stands for in vitro fertilization. IVF is also technically a two month process; you have a prep month and then it really starts. I actually needed to be on birth control pills for a month so that the doctors could manipulate my cycle and control when everything would begin. While on my last week of pills, and subsequently while in Hawaii, I began my first round of shots. I started giving myself one shot in the stomach every night between 7 and 10. Nine days after beginning the shot, we were back from Hawaii and I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and blood work to check my baseline and see where I was. This was the day the real fun began. On top of the one shot I was already giving myself every night, I had to add two additional shots, all of which did very different things. Some were meant to suppress my ovulation so they could control when that happened, others were meant to help grow as many eggs as possible, and lord knows what else. I was also taking multiple pills a night to help with the entire process so keeping track of all the shots, pills, dates, times, etc. started to feel like a full time job.
Now I started the entire IVF process with the best attitude! I was so excited to finally be moving forward and doing something to get us to where we want to be, with a healthy, happy baby. The first shot was the hardest, just because you're not used to stabbing yourself in the stomach. But once I got the hang of it, that shot wasn't bad and when it came to administering three shots a night, I felt like a pro and it just became my "new normal". I was actually proud of myself for maintaining such a positive attitude and staying excited, even though the side effects were anything but fun and my stomach was black and blue all over. I was always fatigued and felt like I was in a constant foggy cloud in my head. On top of taking the medicine which caused the fatigue to begin with, I was giving up caffeine (not to mention alcohol...good lord I miss my wine) cold turkey so that nothing would stand in the way of me growing big, beautiful, fluffy eggs. On top of the fatigue, I was constantly bloated, uncomfortable and could actually feel all of the follicles on my ovaries grow. On top of alllllll of that, I had to go to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds that were anything but comfortable with all those growing follicles and constant blood work. Luckily blood and needles don't bother me like they do my mom or I would have my head between my legs every other day (Love you mom!) The good news throughout all of this, and the thing that I know Hermes appreciated the most, was that I didn't become a huge monster like I was thinking I would. I mean come on, when you're basically forcing your body to go through early menopause and then pumping it full of all these ridiculous hormones, mood swings are considered normal. However, I like to think that I stayed relatively normal (or maybe I'm just a monster every day so we didn't notice any changes?), but either way, Hermes keeps telling me how proud he is of me and how he's impressed with how I've been handling all of this. He told me he was expecting way worse and truth be told, he was dreading all of this way more than I was. He kept saying he hated that we had to go through this at all, hated that I have to put my body through this and would get this solemn look on his face every time I had a painful side effect or had to administer my shots. Needless to say he was not looking forward to the day when he would have to administer additional shots on me himself, but we were still a little ways away from that.
All of those doctors appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests were to let the doctors know when my body had produced enough eggs, when they were mature enough and when my body was ready to remove all those eggs and move to the next step. Now a lot of the numbers I'm about to say won't mean anything to those of you who aren't familiar, but I'll do my best to explain.
The doctor had already told me that I had a high AMH level which means that I had a high egg reserve. That's great news! Right? It's definitely good news in the sense that I should be able to produce many eggs which should hopefully give us more chances at getting a healthy embryo to then implant. However, due to those high levels, she said I was also at risk of developing ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which can be dangerous. Most cases are easily managed, but the really severe cases can lead to fatality, so there was that. Needless to say, the shots that I was having to give myself were already at a smaller dosage than normal so as not to over stimulate me and cause serious issues. Well, my body didn't disappoint and I started responding to the drugs right away. I could feel every twinge, every swell, everything. By the time it got closer to egg retrieval time, I was so bloated and could feel all of my follicles and eggs so much that it felt like a tire was around my entire waist and lower back. Meanwhile, the blood test I was constantly giving showed that my estradiol levels were rapidly climbing which could be a sign of OHSS and could be a bad thing, so I had to begin a different drug to counteract all of that. If my estradiol levels got too high, they may not have been able to do the egg retrieval, and even if they were able, we would most likely not be able to do an embryo transfer this month as my body would be too stimulated, I may need to be hospitalized and blah blah blah, medical jargon garbly gook.
Cue the egg retrieval. A week ago today, I took my 6 month old niece to what will hopefully be her only time ever needing to go to a reproductive endocrinologist appointment and got another ultrasound and blood work. While there, they told me I was getting really close and it looked like I would have to give myself my trigger shot (a completely different shot that actually triggers ovulation) on Saturday and we would have the egg retrieval on Monday morning. The thing about the trigger shot is that it's very time sensitive and you need to take it at exactly the time they tell you and then have the egg retrieval 36 and a half hours after that. (Honestly guys, this science stuff is completely crazy and mind blowing. The things they are able to do astound and amaze me, but also confuse the crap out of me...ah well I digress..)
Four to five hours after my appointment, I receive a call from my doctor stating that my blood work had come back and I actually needed to trigger that night at exactly 7:30, not the next night and the egg retrieval would be set for Sunday, November 8th. My estradiol levels were so high that we needed to move forward and there was a chance I would get OHSS and not be able to do the embryo transfer this month after all. Let me tell you, the sinking feeling in your stomach is not one you get used to...no matter how many times you feel it... but long story short, I stopped all other shots that night, gave myself my trigger shot, sat down with my cup of tea and took it easy for the rest of the weekend. Taking it easy is pretty much all I could do because I was feeling large and in charge and could feel all 25-40 follicles growing in my body (yes, 25-40, holy army growing in my belly).
Early Sunday morning, Hermes and I made our way to our RE's office and the parking lot was a ghost town. This is at the comp rehab facility, not a hospital, so people don't generally work there on the weekends and it really appears as if no one is there. Well thankfully there were about 5 people there who were going to do my egg retrieval. The egg retrieval is an actual surgery where they put you under anesthesia, you have your iv, and all that fun stuff and they aspirate as many eggs out of your who-ha as they can get. I know, I know, I should have been a doctor because my medical description is on point, thank you.
Anyways, they wheeled me back in the room after getting my iv in and start putting me under. I come to 30 minutes or so later (not a long process) and they tell me they were able to retrieve 21 eggs! 21! We were elated! We were told that retrieving 10-15 was normal so my hardworking ovaries apparently came to win, way to go guys! I was then told to go home and rest, drink lots of water and relax. I wasn't in a ton of pain at this point, but was definitely feeling uncomfortable.
Long story short, Sunday and Monday became very uncomfortable and got more painful as the days went on. So much so that I could barely get up without crying out in pain and it was impossible to stand up straight. Luckily I had the best nurse taking care of me and added bonus, he was cute. (He may have been overqualified for the job, but I'll take it.) Anyways, Hermes was so sweet and waited on me hand and foot, all the while taking care of the house, meals and our pup.
Then Tuesday happened....Tuesday was the day that Hermes was dreading because this was the day he was to start giving me progesterone oil shots in the muscle at the top of my butt everyday for at least two weeks and potentially every day for eight weeks. These shots are extremely thick and painful and then cause your butt to feel super sore and bruised for the next couple days, needless to say a bowl full of fun! Well Tuesday morning around 6:30 a.m., Hermes and I head downstairs so he can get my shot ready. The minute I stepped out of bed I could tell something was off. I felt nauseous and dizzy, crampy and in pain. I made it down the stairs slowly, but in the middle of Hermes giving me my shot I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out or both. He had barely pulled the needle out before I scurried to the bathroom and put my face in the toilet. He helped me back upstairs, but had to go to work and couldn't miss so it was me and the dog for the day. The next 6 hours or so were spent with my body breaking out into an entire cold sweat numerous times, becoming so dizzy and nauseous that all I could see were black spots multiple times, luckily falling to my knees and then my back on the bathroom floor so if I did pass out, I wouldn't fall into something and break my body or my face and feeling like my heart was racing. While I felt like my heart was racing and my eyes wouldn't focus, I made the smart decision to try feeling for a pulse and I couldn't find it. This last part was definitely the scariest, but I was determined to crawl back to my bed and wait it out all the while texting Hermes who was trying to insist on taking me to the ER. I was of course stubbornly refusing, I knew I would be fine, I was just being a big baby and he couldn't miss work to come get me. He did force me to call my doctor and see if what was happening was normal or if I needed to go to the emergency room. They told me that the drug I was taking to prevent OHSS was most likely causing all of these issues and can cause super low blood pressure and slow heart rate (which explained the lack of a pulse considering they always comment on how low my blood pressure and heart rate are to begin with, this just made it even worse). I was told to half the dose and call them if I felt worse. Luckily I woke up Wednesday still not feeling great but actually able to stand without awful pain or falling down which equaled a success in my book. We thought that the worst was over and were looking forward to the embryo transfer which was scheduled for today, Friday the 13th.
We were told that out of the 21 eggs they received on Sunday, 17 were mature and they were able to fertilize 11 of the 17. This meant we had 11 embryos that they would monitor and see which one would be the best one to implant. On Wednesday, we received a call that out of the 11 embryos, 5 were above average quality, 2 were average and 4 were behind in development, but they would continue to watch them and hope they caught up. We were thrilled! 5 above average meant that we had multiple ones to choose from to implant and that we should hopefully have a decent amount to freeze so that if, god forbid, this didn't work, I wouldn't need to put my body through the entire IVF process again and we would be able to use the frozen embryo without the need for another egg retrieval. That sounded great to me!
Today was the scheduled day for the embryo transfer. I woke up this morning in a great mood, ready to take on the day and put a baby in my belly! I even text one of my best friends who is two days past her due date and said that hopefully we put a baby in my belly today and we get one out of hers. (I know, I'm so witty..) Hermes had to go to work, but was meeting me at the doctor for the appointment. We got there within two minutes of one another and were eventually taken into a room to wait for the embryologist to go over our embryos and see which one we would implant. We had already agreed that we would only implant one as Hermes and our doctor were hesitant to implant two because of all of the risks associated with multiples and IVF. There are higher miscarriage rates, premature birth rates, birth defects, etc. so while I would absolutely LOVE twins, the doctors' logic won out and we had agreed to implant one.
Hermes and I were so excited, optimistic and joking and laughing about different things. I don't even remember what he said but I was in the middle of laughing pretty hard when I all of a sudden stopped. He looked at me and I just said, "something is about to happen." He asked me what I meant and I just told him that we have been blindsided so many times and I could feel it was about to happen again and I began growing very nervous and anxious. He told me that I was being silly, but I couldn't shake the feeling. Two seconds later the embryologist walked in.... he then began to tell us that out of our 11 embryos, three had arrested so we only had 8 left and out of those 8 they were all below average quality. He couldn't explain what happened and just kept saying they were surprised considering I'm still so young and our results to everything else were so great, my body had produced so many eggs, we had so many embryos, etc. but they were not growing as they should and our little embabies were not what the doctors had hoped for... (enter the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach yet again)...I of course started to tear up which made the poor embryologist quite uncomfortable (he was definitely one of those people who had nervous laughter when uncomfortable which would have made for a comical moment had I not been the one causing his discomfort). He then went on to say that because of the low quality of embryos, he and our doctor were recommending implanting two to give us our best chance...the minute he said that our doctor was on board with this my stomach sunk even further. She had been adamant that she preferred to only implant one good embryo if possible so the fact that she was recommending implanting two really meant that our embabies were not how they should be...
Hermes and I barely had any time to process any of this before we were walked to the "embryo transfer" room. I was told to undress, put my feet in the stirrups and they would begin the process of transferring our embryos. I asked our doctor if this was a Hail Mary pass and while she said she wouldn't characterize it as such, our odds were definitely lower than they expected and they couldn't explain it due to all of our other results, our ages, etc. I laid there (practically upside down on the table they had inverted) clutching my husband's poor hand, with tears streaming down the sides of my face as they performed the embryo transfer. They then had me lie there for 20 minutes (they only recommend 10, but I asked them to let me stay there for 20...I figured more time could only help) and then we got up to leave.
I think I've mentioned it before, but Hermes and I often talk about how we are extremely fortunate and how we have an amazing life. We have each other, we have wonderful friends and family, we have our sweet puppy, we have jobs that we both love, a roof over our heads, and so much more. While we know we are fortunate and truly count our blessings, we also joke that we have some horrendous luck. In the past two and a half years our crappy luck has brought cancer, chemo, infertility, miscarriage and now below average embryos. It's honestly probably a good thing we don't play the lottery, with our luck we'd probably end up owing them money... But while receiving the news before the transfer I told Hermes that our luck was at it again and damn you Friday the 13th. His response was that he didn't even know it was Friday the 13th, but that maybe it should have a reverse effect on us. His reasoning was that since our luck was so bad and Friday the 13th was known for bad luck, then maybe it would magically bring us good luck? Lord I love this man who tries to spin such crap to make me feel better :)
After all of this, I've been wrestling with myself and my emotions for the past 7 and a half hours. I started off trying not to cry and fighting off this feeling of defeat...I then went to a state of absolute prayer and hope and have been praying that maybe we'll have miracle embryos that will stick and result in one and possibly even two babies. And.....then I've gone back again to the defeat, back to prayer, etc. etc. another lovely vicious cycle. I also really wrestled with whether or not I wanted to be so public about this. We're now in the "two week wait" to find out if the transfer worked and I didn't want the added pressure of everyone knowing whether we are actually pregnant or not the minute we find out. On the other hand, I think we could use all of the prayers and good thoughts we can get to see if we get a miracle and in the end, the thought of getting as many prayers as we can get won out and I decided to share.
I'm actually a member of a group on Facebook of women who have suffered miscarriages, infertility, gone through ivf and more from all over the world. I never post on the site but follow others regularly, however today I felt the need to post. So many of these women have reached out with prayers, words of hopes, stories of their own and one really stood out to me. One woman wrote that I need to remember that God is known for giving you double for your trouble. That really resonated with me and gave me more hope so I looked into it more and this is what I am now clinging to.
I'm sorry that this has been such a novel, but Hermes and I just ask for all of the good thoughts and prayers we can get. We really have gone through more in these two and a half years than I ever expected and I'm starting to not feel as strong. I also know that there are others who have been through even more than we have which makes me feel weak and silly to complain so please pray for them as well. I pray for them, I pray for us and I pray that our luck can change, we remain strong and positive and we hopefully receive the best holiday surprise ever.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Bring on the luau!
My last post mentioned feeling like everyone and their sister was getting pregnant and it often being difficult to hear. Since that post, seven more women that I know have either announced publicly or told me privately that they are also expecting. At this point, I have no doubt there is something in the water and I'm just not drinking the right stuff. Maybe it's the fact that I should be drinking more water instead of wine.... oops. Of course I am thrilled for these women, especially the ones who have really had a hard time and deserve it more than anyone, but it still hurts to think I should be over 20 weeks right now and I hate myself for feeling that way.
Yesterday was National Infant Loss Awareness Day and we lit a candle for our angel in heaven. I had quietly gone into the other room to do this while Hermes was relaxing after a long day of work. No sooner had I lit the candle with tears in my eyes that I felt Hermes' arms wrap around me and hold me close. He didn't know what I was up to, but knew it had to be about our baby and he knew I would need him. I am more thankful for this man every single day and know he is going to be the most amazing father as he is already the most amazing husband a woman could have.
While yesterday was about remembrance (although let's be honest, those who have been through it remember it every single day, not just October 15th), today, I've decided, is about the future and looking ahead. In that same spirit, the meds for my first IVF cycle came this week and I truthfully laughed out loud. Hermes was mortified by all of the needles, drugs and instructions (even though he deals with needles, drugs and instructions for a living) and I just laughed. I am so ready to stab myself with a needle 3 times a day, have horrible side effects and potentially feel like crap if it means we're one step closer to growing our family.
Truthfully, this picture doesn't do it justice. These meds came in two big white bags and fill up our breakfast table. Is it weird that I can't wait to get started and start stabbing my stomach?? I'm currently on birth control pills so the doctors can manipulate my cycle and I start giving myself one shot a day next week. Eventually I will give myself three different shots every single day for a time being, I will go into the doctor every other day if not every day for ultrasounds, blood work, checkups, etc. I will eventually have an egg retrieval if it looks like I have eggs to be received and then, pending how all of those look and god willing, I will undergo an embryo transfer. It's obviously way more complicated than that mini summary, but I wanted to over simplify so as not to bore anyone. Truth be told, I'm still hesitant how much I want to share throughout the entire IVF process. I want to be transparent and help others going through it or about to go through it know what to expect, but I have reservations. Do I really want to let everyone know we're pregnant right away if it actually works? Do I really want to let everyone know if it doesn't work and I'm devastated? It may honestly be a spur of the moment decision on how I'm feeling any given day, but if anyone has private questions they want to ask, I will always gladly answer.
Truth is, it's been a difficult past few weeks. We were able to attend an absolutely gorgeous wedding and get away for a weekend in New York City and that was great, but the constant nagging feeling that I should still be pregnant is with me every day. Having said that, Hermes and I are heading to Hawaii early Monday morning for 9-10 days and it could not be coming at a better time. I will actually start my shots while we're in Hawaii and am so excited to finally be moving forward. I'm also excited to be on the beach with my amazing man, go golfing, ziplining, swimming, snorkeling, check out volcanoes, Pearl Harbor, nature, everything. I'm looking forward to luau's and corny, stereotypical late night walks on the beach, and just enjoying life with my guy.
I'm going to end this short post with my goal for our much needed and much deserved vacation; I want us to look like this:
Yesterday was National Infant Loss Awareness Day and we lit a candle for our angel in heaven. I had quietly gone into the other room to do this while Hermes was relaxing after a long day of work. No sooner had I lit the candle with tears in my eyes that I felt Hermes' arms wrap around me and hold me close. He didn't know what I was up to, but knew it had to be about our baby and he knew I would need him. I am more thankful for this man every single day and know he is going to be the most amazing father as he is already the most amazing husband a woman could have.
While yesterday was about remembrance (although let's be honest, those who have been through it remember it every single day, not just October 15th), today, I've decided, is about the future and looking ahead. In that same spirit, the meds for my first IVF cycle came this week and I truthfully laughed out loud. Hermes was mortified by all of the needles, drugs and instructions (even though he deals with needles, drugs and instructions for a living) and I just laughed. I am so ready to stab myself with a needle 3 times a day, have horrible side effects and potentially feel like crap if it means we're one step closer to growing our family.
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| This is what $3,000-$4,000 worth of drugs look like |
Truth is, it's been a difficult past few weeks. We were able to attend an absolutely gorgeous wedding and get away for a weekend in New York City and that was great, but the constant nagging feeling that I should still be pregnant is with me every day. Having said that, Hermes and I are heading to Hawaii early Monday morning for 9-10 days and it could not be coming at a better time. I will actually start my shots while we're in Hawaii and am so excited to finally be moving forward. I'm also excited to be on the beach with my amazing man, go golfing, ziplining, swimming, snorkeling, check out volcanoes, Pearl Harbor, nature, everything. I'm looking forward to luau's and corny, stereotypical late night walks on the beach, and just enjoying life with my guy.
I'm going to end this short post with my goal for our much needed and much deserved vacation; I want us to look like this:
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| I can't look at this picture without laughing and am hoping we can recreate one similar in Hawaii. |
Aloha everyone!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Fighting the fear of moving forward
It's been awhile since I wrote last so I figured it was probably time. Truth is I've been having pretty good days, but I've still been having a few bad days. Luckily, the bad days have become further and farther in between, but I have to admit, I had a pretty bad day this past weekend.
I recently had one of the hardest days I've had in awhile and it took me time to recoup. It just seems like I constantly hear that everyone and their sister seems to be pregnant all at the same time, I hear women complaining about their morning sickness completely unaware that so many of us would kill to be in their shoes, women complaining that they've been trying to get pregnant for "so long" when it's only been 2-8 months or even a year., women who claimed they didn't even want kids two years ago and are now having a baby...I hear all these things and they infuriate me and make me bitter...and then I get infuriated with myself for being bitter about someone else's happiness. It's honestly a vicious cycle and one I would never wish on anybody...Truth be told, "national daughter's day" this past week was a knife to my heart all day long and I felt the pain of losing her all over again..I absolutely considered getting rid of all social media so I wouldn't have to see it as much...
In looking back and reading through my previous paragraph, I want to delete it. I don't want to admit that I have those thoughts or bitter feelings. I don't want to admit to being a selfish jerk, I don't want you all to read it and think less of me...but I've promised to be honest and open with this blog so there it is.
Whenever I am feeling that way, something I have to keep telling myself on repeat: becoming a mom is not a competition and there's no use in comparing our story to someone else's. I'm a relatively intelligent woman, I know this, but I will admit I have been guilty of comparing our hardships with the relative ease of others. I have found myself truly happy for those I know who become pregnant and then I've found myself crying on the floor in my bathroom over the very same news...I'm not proud of it...and I don't want it to take away from the excitement I absolutely have for them and honestly, the fact that I feel anything but joy for them brings more guilt than I could ever describe. I know that there are women out there who have suffered miscarriages and they feel the same as me, but then I also know of other women who seem to be handling it or who have handled it so much better than I am and I feel ashamed. So, due to this vicious cycle that I don't want to be a part of anymore, I have made the executive decision to simply stop. We all know life is not fair, life is not something we can plan out and have it go accordingly, we have no control over what may happen, BUT we do have control over how we react and how we handle ourselves. Thus (yes I said thus), I am getting my head out of my self-pitying a** and truly moving forward.
Whenever I am feeling that way, something I have to keep telling myself on repeat: becoming a mom is not a competition and there's no use in comparing our story to someone else's. I'm a relatively intelligent woman, I know this, but I will admit I have been guilty of comparing our hardships with the relative ease of others. I have found myself truly happy for those I know who become pregnant and then I've found myself crying on the floor in my bathroom over the very same news...I'm not proud of it...and I don't want it to take away from the excitement I absolutely have for them and honestly, the fact that I feel anything but joy for them brings more guilt than I could ever describe. I know that there are women out there who have suffered miscarriages and they feel the same as me, but then I also know of other women who seem to be handling it or who have handled it so much better than I am and I feel ashamed. So, due to this vicious cycle that I don't want to be a part of anymore, I have made the executive decision to simply stop. We all know life is not fair, life is not something we can plan out and have it go accordingly, we have no control over what may happen, BUT we do have control over how we react and how we handle ourselves. Thus (yes I said thus), I am getting my head out of my self-pitying a** and truly moving forward.
Since receiving Hermes' test results and speaking with our doctors, it has been decided that IVF is our next course of action. This was the path we were on before our little girl graced our lives and it's now back in play. We actually found out that, due to my body going back to "normal" quicker than anticipated, we could have started IVF last month. Hermes and I grappled with the decision of moving forward so soon or waiting and we decided it was best to wait. Trust me, I wanted to jump right in and get pregnant again the minute I could, but with multiple weddings, birthdays and a trip to Hawaii scheduled, we thought it was best to wait. We didn't want to stress each other out during these happy times, celebrations and vacations so we are going to enjoy ourselves and begin IVF when we get back.
I'm not going to lie...I've really wrestled with the fear of moving forward, the choices and decisions we will have to make, as well as deciding how open I want to be during this entire process.
Hermes and I recently found out someone was pregnant when they were around 7 weeks and Hermes' initial response was that it was really early to be telling people. My question to him was why? The whole point of not telling people early on is in case you suffer a loss...well we've kinda been there and done that and I have obviously done this entire thing backwards...I didn't tell a lot of people except family and a few close friends that I was pregnant, but I've now seemingly told everyone I know and anyone who cares to listen or read about our loss. Having said that, am I really strong enough or brave enough to share our entire IVF process with you all? Am I really ready to let everyone into our lives? Not just into our past and talk about what has already happened, but actually share with you what may happen and what is yet to be? Can I really tell you all about the entire IVF process, all of the drugs, shots, side effects, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, egg retrieval, the waiting, monitoring, actual in vitro process, more waiting and then the news if we magically become pregnant or not while we are actually going through it and learning about it ourselves? I am an extremely open person, obviously, but I still haven't decided if I'm able, willing or frankly strong enough to do all of that...I feel like there is a huge difference between providing a play by play of our lives as it's happening compared to sharing the "not top ten" that has already occurred...I know a few women who have done it and they are so open, exposed and raw and are honestly my heroes; I'm just not sure I can be as strong and brave as they are and were in sharing their experiences so it looks like only time will tell.
Now on top of the uncertainty of IVF in general, Hermes and I are struggling with the decision of "trying" for twins or not. It will absolutely depend on how many embryos we end up having, if any, and what their grades are. Depending on all of those factors, we can then decide if we want to implant only one embryo or multiple ones and it's most likely going to be a game time decision. There is always the possibility that even implanting more than one would only result in one baby or no babies. (Sidebar-many people think that IVF automatically means you'll become pregnant, but that is not the case. Truth be told, I think the rate of success is still only 67% or so and I know people who are going in their third and fourth round of IVF and still not pregnant so that's always in the back of your mind as well. End sidebar.) There's also the possibility that even if we implant only one, it could magically split and become twins on it's own. Personally, I would LOVE twins. I think that while it would be difficult and crazy, it would be amazing to have two babes at the same time and it would help us make up for lost time in a way. While the thought of twins absolutely excites me, the possibility of something going wrong and the unknown scares me even more.
Now on top of the uncertainty of IVF in general, Hermes and I are struggling with the decision of "trying" for twins or not. It will absolutely depend on how many embryos we end up having, if any, and what their grades are. Depending on all of those factors, we can then decide if we want to implant only one embryo or multiple ones and it's most likely going to be a game time decision. There is always the possibility that even implanting more than one would only result in one baby or no babies. (Sidebar-many people think that IVF automatically means you'll become pregnant, but that is not the case. Truth be told, I think the rate of success is still only 67% or so and I know people who are going in their third and fourth round of IVF and still not pregnant so that's always in the back of your mind as well. End sidebar.) There's also the possibility that even if we implant only one, it could magically split and become twins on it's own. Personally, I would LOVE twins. I think that while it would be difficult and crazy, it would be amazing to have two babes at the same time and it would help us make up for lost time in a way. While the thought of twins absolutely excites me, the possibility of something going wrong and the unknown scares me even more.
We could implant two embryo's and magically get pregnant with twins and then lose one or both...the risk of miscarriage is higher with multiples. On top of that, even if my body was able to keep both babies, multiples carry the risk of delivering prematurely which can then cause numerous problems, health issues, etc. that the babies would possibly have to deal with their entire lives. I absolutely hate that these thoughts even pop in my head, let alone all of the time. I really think ignorance is bliss at times like this and I would much rather not know about all of the risks and potential outcomes.
Whenever I think about the possibilities of what could go wrong, I become frustrated with myself all over again and just remember my grandma saying there was no point in worrying over something that may never happen. It's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle, I can't always control my ever wandering thoughts, but I'm trying. I'm choosing to be excited about IVF and all of the possibilities that lie ahead as opposed to being fearful.
Whenever I think about the possibilities of what could go wrong, I become frustrated with myself all over again and just remember my grandma saying there was no point in worrying over something that may never happen. It's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle, I can't always control my ever wandering thoughts, but I'm trying. I'm choosing to be excited about IVF and all of the possibilities that lie ahead as opposed to being fearful.
While I am looking forward and thinking ahead, I can't help but think that I would have been 18 weeks pregnant yesterday...we would have found out we were having a girl and may have even had a gender reveal. It is difficult to think about, but instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling, I'm actively moving forward. As scary as it may be, I'm trying to focus on the possibility of becoming pregnant with another little one and now deciding whether I'm going to share that with all of you.
With tomorrow being my birthday I'm praying for some "one year older" wisdom to help me decide how vocal I want to be in moving forward. It's a decision Hermes and I will make together, but God bless that man, he is so supportive and just tells me to do whatever I think will help so we'll see.
I'm going to end this post with a quote posted by someone I follow on Instagram. I'm going to focus on the fact that we are now hopefully on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. Thanks for reading!
I'm going to end this post with a quote posted by someone I follow on Instagram. I'm going to focus on the fact that we are now hopefully on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Playing the blame game? I'd rather play monopoly...
I wanted to write a post that was more lighthearted, hopeful, maybe made people laugh as that's one of my favorite things to do, but so far this post is not turning out to be that. Sorry guys.
Honestly, is it just me or when something is going on in your life you happen to see it everywhere on a tv show, commercial, or constant reminders elsewhere? I know that with almost anything I watch or read or encounter in every day life lately I'm either seeing a baby, a pregnant woman, someone just finding out they're pregnant, or god forbid, someone losing their child. I know it's not just for me either. I know that single friends of mine constantly see people in love or getting married, people with cancer or other diseases constantly see reminders of that disease or others fighting through it as well, people going through divorce or loss of jobs see it everywhere, etc.
With being constantly reminded, it's easy to start wondering what you could have done differently to change the outcome, if you caused this and what you did wrong. I know that I've definitely had thoughts wondering what I did to cause the situation we are in with infertility and miscarriage.
With our pregnancy, I stopped drinking coffee and my beloved diet dr. peppers. I switched face wash, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, make up, moisturizers, etc. My new shampoo and conditioner were such crap that they left gunk and build-up in my hair even right after washing that made it feel dirtier than when I had stepped into the shower, but I was determined to use it dammit. No parabens or sulfates or other horrible things that would cause my baby to have 10 heads and 10 arms and legs? Count me in! Screw you Herbal Essence, I'm going with the delightful all natural stuff. I will gladly look like a drippy grease monkey if it means keeping my baby safe, right?
I stopped drinking caffeine cold turkey (sorry Hermes, and well...everyone), I stopped eating deli meats, didn't eat seafood, didn't eat soft cheeses, drank enough water to sink a ship and abided by all of the eight million other do's and don'ts that are out there. I prayed every day, kept stress levels as low as I could, didn't lift heavy objects including my beloved pup, got plenty of sleep, was eating healthier, walking more and so on and so on.
Even with feeling like I was doing everything right, it ended up not mattering. What more could I or should I have done? Was I just such an awful person; had I done such awful things in my past that karma was coming back to haunt me? Did I do this?...to my husband and myself and our baby?...
I've realized that I am definitely not alone in playing this oh so fun blame game, and I also know that society's perception doesn't always help. In reading so many other blogs and posts and stories out there, one of the common suggestions is that infertility and miscarriage are kept so secret and quiet because we, as women, and much of society feel like we had to have done something wrong to cause it or to not get pregnant easily. I'm starting to realize that this is absolutely not true. Not being able to have a baby "naturally" does not make anyone a failure. Even if you do get pregnant, as I've said in a previous post, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in miscarriage through no fault of anyone involved. It is unfortunately just "one of those things" that is all too common and we need to stop blaming ourselves.
I can blame myself for getting chubby because I eat like crap far too often, eat too much almost always and don't ever work out. I can blame myself for having a headache because I drank too much the night before. I can blame myself for not having dinner on the table because I was too lazy to go to the grocery store that day. There are plenty of things I can blame myself for, but this should not be one of them.
Hermes and I secretly took videos when we told our family we were pregnant and I watched those videos today for the first time since our loss. In these videos, we had just found out the week before that we were pregnant and my whole family was all at Clear Lake (the lake I practically grew up on and one of my favorite places in the world) for a week during Fourth of July.
I sat on my couch and cried today while watching the smiles and laughter, tears of joy and surprise from our loved ones. Watching these was pretty difficult, but it also gave me hope. Hope that we will get to see the joy and excitement in our families' eyes again and be able to add a cousin for our nephews and niece and finally add to our growing family. After watching these I'm going to try and focus on the hope, I'm going to try and be done playing the blame game and I'm going to go play cards against humanity or something equally inappropriate instead.
(I've tried uploading the video's here, but they may or may not work so here's hoping!)
**(As I've been told, the videos work on a computer, but won't work on your phone for some reason. Sorry!)
I've realized that I am definitely not alone in playing this oh so fun blame game, and I also know that society's perception doesn't always help. In reading so many other blogs and posts and stories out there, one of the common suggestions is that infertility and miscarriage are kept so secret and quiet because we, as women, and much of society feel like we had to have done something wrong to cause it or to not get pregnant easily. I'm starting to realize that this is absolutely not true. Not being able to have a baby "naturally" does not make anyone a failure. Even if you do get pregnant, as I've said in a previous post, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in miscarriage through no fault of anyone involved. It is unfortunately just "one of those things" that is all too common and we need to stop blaming ourselves.
I can blame myself for getting chubby because I eat like crap far too often, eat too much almost always and don't ever work out. I can blame myself for having a headache because I drank too much the night before. I can blame myself for not having dinner on the table because I was too lazy to go to the grocery store that day. There are plenty of things I can blame myself for, but this should not be one of them.
Hermes and I secretly took videos when we told our family we were pregnant and I watched those videos today for the first time since our loss. In these videos, we had just found out the week before that we were pregnant and my whole family was all at Clear Lake (the lake I practically grew up on and one of my favorite places in the world) for a week during Fourth of July.
I sat on my couch and cried today while watching the smiles and laughter, tears of joy and surprise from our loved ones. Watching these was pretty difficult, but it also gave me hope. Hope that we will get to see the joy and excitement in our families' eyes again and be able to add a cousin for our nephews and niece and finally add to our growing family. After watching these I'm going to try and focus on the hope, I'm going to try and be done playing the blame game and I'm going to go play cards against humanity or something equally inappropriate instead.
(I've tried uploading the video's here, but they may or may not work so here's hoping!)
**(As I've been told, the videos work on a computer, but won't work on your phone for some reason. Sorry!)
In the video above, we gave my dad a "belated Father's Day gift" and wrote a poem explaining we were pregnant in the card. Needless to say they were surprised.
In this video above, my sister's reaction comes across a little stoic, but she definitely cried after we stopped taping :)
Amanda's (my sister in law's) reaction was honestly my favorite
My brother may drive me crazy some days, but for some reason his reaction made me cry the most
Thursday, September 3, 2015
How to support and not hurt
Having gone through infertility for the past two years as well as our recent miscarriage, I have discovered that many people don't know how to talk to me about all or any of it. So many people mean well, but having never gone through any of it before, they can't relate and aren't sure what to say.
I've talked with multiple friends going through infertility or miscarriage about the things that people say that can often feel like a constant punch to the gut so today, I felt like I would write some advice to others who don't know what we're going through or feeling to keep you from unwillingly and unknowingly hurting someone else with your words.
I realize that there are a lot of people out there who have no idea what women like me are going through in dealing with these issues, so below are some top things I have polled from fellow ladies who do understand and have been told things they wish they hadn't during this difficult time. Being a little more cognizant of the best ways to support a friend or family in these situations will keep you from unintentionally causing pain and frankly, can keep you from being on the receiving end of a potential hormonal slap to the face (you really never know, so why risk it? :) )
1. "Have you ever considered adoption?"
Oh my goodness, I haven't, what is that? Please tell me what that is! But really, all sarcasm and snarkiness aside, this question does not help. It's human nature to want to fix a problem and to many people, that's what this question is aimed to do. We know that it comes from a good place, however I promise you that most women going through infertility or miscarriage have thought of this alternative and while it is a wonderful thing and many may end up going this route, many are also not quite there yet. The dream of having your own baby that looks like you or your significant other, the feeling of being pregnant and getting to feel your baby grow and kick inside of you is not one that goes away easily, if ever. I know that in our case we want to exhaust every possible option before adoption becomes our reality, but that doesn't mean we haven't thought about it so please, don't ask this as if all other options are pointless.
2. "I can't believe how easy it was for us to get pregnant!"
That really is amazing. Truly no sarcasm, I am really happy for you but please know that this is seriously a knife to the heart. I've been told this a few different times by different women who either had no idea what we were going through or were just so excited that they simply didn't think about it. I understand the excitement, I really do, but please just think about the other person and what they may be going through. It really is wonderful that getting pregnant and becoming a mom was and is so easy for you, but don't be ignorant to the fact that not everyone is that fortunate.
3. "I still can't believe it, we weren't even really trying!"
This coincides with #2 above, but my friends and I have heard this so many times and I know that I've almost started crying each and every time. It's again just one of those things that hurts and people need to be aware of. You are absolutely allowed to be excited and amazed that you are one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant so easily, just be aware of who you're talking to when you say certain things and know that it might not be the same for them.
4. "Don't worry, it'll happen."
This one may confuse people who have never been through infertility or miscarriage. It seems so well meaning and supportive. However, when you've been trying for so long, or have just lost a baby, bitterness can creep in and the future is so uncertain. I admit that I have found myself crying to Hermes after being told this by someone earlier in the day and screaming "Really?? How do you know that? Why does your crystal ball work and mine doesn't?! You don't know that it will happen for us so how could you say that?!" I admit this was not one of my finer moments...and I am not proud of the bitter feelings that I sometimes have, but this is just one of those things that we are questioning everyday wondering if it will ever happen so to hear this just brings back all of those questions.
5. "Just relax, it'll happen when you aren't stressing about it and least expect it."
This also coincides with #4. We know you're trying to be helpful and we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends, but this doesn't really help. It's near impossible to not stress when everyone around you is getting pregnant and having perfect, healthy babies. It's near impossible to not stress when taking mood altering medications, shots, etc. It's near impossible to not stress when you have a chart or multiple apps documenting your temperature, cycles, ovulation days, etc.
Now I have the added element that Hermes and I actually did get pregnant when we weren't stressing or planning for it because we were scheduled to do IVF the next month and didn't think we could get pregnant naturally so I'm kind of contradicting this. But then we lost our baby and now I'm even more stressed than before. The thought of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant and then losing another baby are some of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever had so being stress free isn't really an option right now.
I am keeping my faith and trying so hard to not lose hope, but not stressing out doesn't seem realistic.
6. "Well at least your husband is healthy, be thankful for that."
I've received this comment a few different times and while I would like to think it's just people trying to help, it makes me feel like you think I'm a jerk and not beyond grateful that my husband is cancer free. This comment made me think that I shouldn't be upset or concerned about our fertility issues or losing our baby and that I wasn't counting my blessings enough. It took me a long time to realize that I can be appreciative of all that I have while still being upset about one of the things I've wanted my entire life. So please, please do not make someone going through this feel bad about themselves or feel like they're ungrateful, that is the furthest thing from helping.
7. There are too many things I've been told that fall within this category so instead of an actual statement I'm going to simply say, don't belittle the problem. You may not think it's a big deal but to this person, it's everything. They know other bad things could happen, but that doesn't make this any less worse for them. And for the love, don't tell them to be glad they don't have kids and then compare it to the no sleep you're getting with your healthy, happy kids.
8. Coinciding with #7, do not complain about your pregnancy to someone who would kill to be in your shoes. Yes, morning sickness, bloating, constipation, acne, heartburn, all of that is not pleasant, but so many of us would love to live with our head in the toilet if it meant being pregnant and giving birth to a happy, healthy baby. I'm not belittling how you feel or saying you can't complain about feeling like crap and I'm sorry that you do, just be careful who you complain to.
9. "Oh you're young you have plenty of time."
True...until you're not. We've already been trying for two and a half years and who knows how much longer it will take. I turn 29 in less than a month and being married to a doctor who knows the risks of having kids past 35 better than most, our clock is ticking. I know many women who have had perfect babies after 35, but I also know that's not the case for everyone so this ticking time bomb is always in the back of my mind. If I was 21 and you said this, I may agree, but I always thought I'd have at least two kids by age 30 and now I'll be so lucky if I have one.
10. "Well, at least you got pregnant."
Yes, I was pregnant and I wasn't sure if I would ever be so that is amazing. Yet there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant again and there's no guarantee I'll sustain a pregnancy. I'm once again constantly praying and hoping I will, but this statement is not overly productive.
11. "You'll have other babies."
I pray you're right, but this one goes back to the crystal ball that I don't have so I don't know if this will happen. I can only have hope and have faith that it will all work out.
12. "At some point it's just a cluster of cells." ......
I have not been told this particular comment, but I know someone who has after her miscarriage and I'm really not even sure how this comment was supposed to help in any way. Just because some women miscarry early doesn't make it any less real or heartbreaking or feel any less than the loss of a child. I would like to think that most people have enough common sense to not say things like this person did, but the fact that people aren't always thinking is unfortunately more and more evident each day. So please, I beg you, think before you speak and try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine yourself going through one of the worst things of your life and think of things you would want to hear, not just whatever pops into your mind or you think you should say.
Now after telling you what my friends and I hope you won't do, let me tell you what you can do. Actively listen to your friend, hug them when they want or need a hug and just be there to support them. Once again, I know it's human nature to want to fix a problem and make it better, but that's not always an option. So instead of trying to fill the silence with any of the above statements, just tell that person that you are so sorry they are going through this, whether it's infertility or miscarriage, and you are here for them. Bring them dinner, make them laugh, let them cry and just be there to hold their hand.
I've had many friends unsure of what they should or should not say when around me, if they should talk about it or dance around it and everyone is different. I'm okay with talking about it and am just looking for support, even if there's no true understanding. Knowing that I have so many friends and family who do care has been some of the best medicine I could ever have.
This post is not meant to shame anyone if you have said some of these things in the past, nor to make anyone feel guilty. It is simply to inform and hopefully help you understand some friends and family in the future who may unfortunately be dealing with these issues.
I'll leave it with this poem my sister sent me soon after our loss and I could not have said it better myself.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Move forward even when you feel like you're standing still
So I've decided I really am the worst at waiting, being patient and basically having no control over anything. This is obviously a problem in general, let alone at our particular stage in life... and yesterday just continued to prove it.
Hermes had two doctor appointments yesterday morning, one to check if chemo was still in his system to see if we could/should even try naturally once my body gets back to normal and the other was his 6 month CT scan to make sure the cancer was still gone. Obviously we were planning on a very fun and exciting Tuesday morning...
Nothing special really occurred during the first appointment and we just needed to wait for the results which we were hoping to get either yesterday or today. The second appointment was where more frustration and aggravation occurred.
As if these days and tests for cancer don't bring enough anxiety and apprehension, the last time Hermes had a CT scan he had a reaction to the contrast he was given and ended up getting two large hives on his face/forehead. He was given Benadryl and lord knows what else and it seemed to work and his hives were gone. Well this morning, being the good patient and doctor that he is, Hermes mentions this to the nurse who was helping with the scan. (As a side note, we were at a new place for the first time for this scan since he switched hospitals and insurance, so he didn't know the people administering it all.) Needless to say, the woman basically panicked and said she didn't know if they would even be able to do the scan that day without giving him a ton of drugs first to ensure an allergic reaction wouldn't happen and he may just have to go to the other hospital to get it done. He explained that he had taken Benadryl beforehand and it really was't a big deal, but she insisted that she needed to follow protocol and speak with the radiologist, figure out what meds he would need to take, etc. etc. Now I understand that none of this was this woman's fault and she was simply doing her job, but this entire process had already taken an hour and a half of just sitting there so we were frustrated..
Long story short, we rescheduled for today, had to go to the pharmacy to get enough drugs to knock out an elephant and giant bottles of liquid contrast (all for two stinking hives) and then went to grab lunch as we were both quite hangry and the appointment that didn't happen managed to somehow take over two hours.
A couple hours later, Hermes receives an email that his results from the first appointment of the day are already ready. We were sitting there and honestly nervous to open the email which we both found odd and amusing. Why were we nervous? The worst was already behind us so this was basically just telling us if IVF was immediate or if we would try naturally before we moved to IVF if necessary. Nonetheless, we were both hesitating to go over these results..
Hermes opens it up and while some parts and statistics were higher than pre-chemo results, the main/important aspect was still below average. The nurse reached out and said that chemo was still definitely affecting him and asked what she could do for us moving forward.
In going over the results, at first we were a little upset, but now we are choosing to look at it positively. The results show progress and that Hermes is getting better and stronger and closer to where he was pre-chemo so we're getting there. We also decided that his results were actually good in that they didn't even give us the option of whether we wanted to try for awhile or just jump into IVF; going straight to IVF seems like the only option. So after speaking with the nurse some more, we have decided we are going to move forward with the reproductive endocrinologist and start IVF as soon as my body is back to normal and we are able.
Now I'm not naive in thinking that IVF is ideal...it's obviously not. The giant bag of drugs and shots that I will have to administer on myself can be pretty overwhelming and the side effects can be grueling, but I'm honestly so ready that it doesn't even scare me. We've been through cancer and chemo, two years of infertility, multiple tests and ultrasounds, three failed IUI's where the drugs and shots I had to use were anything but fun and the side effects were no joke, as well as magically getting pregnant and then losing our baby, so my thinking is if we can get through all of that, IVF is just one more thing we'll get through and hopefully lead us to our long awaited and prayed for baby.
Honestly, it feels good to at least have an idea of what to expect and what to do in the near future, even if there isn't really anything we can really do right now. So while I do feel like we are simply standing still right now, I also feel like we are doing everything we can to move forward as much as possible and we're getting there....slowly but surely...
Hermes and I also received news a couple days ago that a family friend had been pregnant and unfortunately lost her baby as well.... this honestly broke my heart and made all sorts of emotions flood back... I hate that this is so common and that so many people have to feel how we have felt...I also know that it's probably too soon for her to even think about moving forward from there as I remember where I was right after my surgery and it was not a pleasant place...so I'm going to continue to pray for any and all people affected by infertility and loss and hope that you are able to move forward at some point, even if it feels like you're standing still right now.
Inch by inch, we'll get there...
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