Bring on the luau!

My last post mentioned feeling like everyone and their sister was getting pregnant and it often being difficult to hear. Since that post, seven more women that I know have either announced publicly or told me privately that they are also expecting. At this point, I have no doubt there is something in the water and I'm just not drinking the right stuff. Maybe it's the fact that I should be drinking more water instead of wine.... oops. Of course I am thrilled for these women, especially the ones who have really had a hard time and deserve it more than anyone, but it still hurts to think I should be over 20 weeks right now and I hate myself for feeling that way.

Yesterday was National Infant Loss Awareness Day and we lit a candle for our angel in heaven. I had quietly gone into the other room to do this while Hermes was relaxing after a long day of work. No sooner had I lit the candle with tears in my eyes that I felt Hermes' arms wrap around me and hold me close. He didn't know what I was up to, but knew it had to be about our baby and he knew I would need him. I am more thankful for this man every single day and know he is going to be the most amazing father as he is already the most amazing husband a woman could have.

While yesterday was about remembrance (although let's be honest, those who have been through it remember it every single day, not just October 15th), today, I've decided, is about the future and looking ahead. In that same spirit, the meds for my first IVF cycle came this week and I truthfully laughed out loud. Hermes was mortified by all of the needles, drugs and instructions (even though he deals with needles, drugs and instructions for a living) and I just laughed. I am so ready to stab myself with a needle 3 times a day, have horrible side effects and potentially feel like crap if it means we're one step closer to growing our family.

This is what $3,000-$4,000 worth of drugs look like

Truthfully, this picture doesn't do it justice. These meds came in two big white bags and fill up our breakfast table. Is it weird that I can't wait to get started and start stabbing my stomach?? I'm currently on birth control pills so the doctors can manipulate my cycle and I start giving myself one shot a day next week. Eventually I will give myself three different shots every single day for a time being, I will go into the doctor every other day if not every day for ultrasounds, blood work, checkups, etc. I will eventually have an egg retrieval if it looks like I have eggs to be received and then, pending how all of those look and god willing, I will undergo an embryo transfer. It's obviously way more complicated than that mini summary, but I wanted to over simplify so as not to bore anyone. Truth be told, I'm still hesitant how much I want to share throughout the entire IVF process. I want to be transparent and help others going through it or about to go through it know what to expect, but I have reservations. Do I really want to let everyone know we're pregnant right away if it actually works? Do I really want to let everyone know if it doesn't work and I'm devastated? It may honestly be a spur of the moment decision on how I'm feeling any given day, but if anyone has private questions they want to ask, I will always gladly answer.

Truth is, it's been a difficult past few weeks. We were able to attend an absolutely gorgeous wedding and get away for a weekend in New York City and that was great, but the constant nagging feeling that I should still be pregnant is with me every day. Having said that, Hermes and I are heading to Hawaii early Monday morning for 9-10 days and it could not be coming at a better time. I will actually start my shots while we're in Hawaii and am so excited to finally be moving forward. I'm also excited to be on the beach with my amazing man, go golfing, ziplining, swimming, snorkeling, check out volcanoes, Pearl Harbor, nature, everything. I'm looking forward to luau's and corny, stereotypical late night walks on the beach, and just enjoying life with my guy.

I'm going to end this short post with my goal for our much needed and much deserved vacation; I want us to look like this:

I can't look at this picture without laughing and am hoping we can recreate one similar in Hawaii. 

Aloha everyone!