I had decided I didn't want to share every step of our IVF journey as it was happening in case we did magically get pregnant. I wanted to still have some semblance of normalcy where we would announce our pregnancy in the second trimester and surprise people and everyone would be so excited. I didn't think I wanted everyone to know if were were pregnant the minute we found out if we were pregnant. Well...yet again, life has decided I know nothing and it wants to continue teaching me lessons. I believe today's lesson is the power of prayer and I'm hoping that it works.
Truth is, Hermes and I had an amazing time in Hawaii. We were able to just be together, explore a couple of the islands, make new memories and just spend time as him and me. We didn't dwell on the past two and a half years, the hardships we've had to endure or the obstacles we still have to face. We had a wonderful time in one of the most beautiful places we'd ever been and I am so thankful for that time.
While we didn't focus on the past or previous pain while in Hawaii, we did start thinking of and planning for the future and we began the IVF process. For those who have never had to go through it or even think about it, be so glad that you have no idea what all it entails and for those who have been through it, you are unbelievably strong and I admire you so much.
Mini crash course: IVF stands for in vitro fertilization. IVF is also technically a two month process; you have a prep month and then it really starts. I actually needed to be on birth control pills for a month so that the doctors could manipulate my cycle and control when everything would begin. While on my last week of pills, and subsequently while in Hawaii, I began my first round of shots. I started giving myself one shot in the stomach every night between 7 and 10. Nine days after beginning the shot, we were back from Hawaii and I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and blood work to check my baseline and see where I was. This was the day the real fun began. On top of the one shot I was already giving myself every night, I had to add two additional shots, all of which did very different things. Some were meant to suppress my ovulation so they could control when that happened, others were meant to help grow as many eggs as possible, and lord knows what else. I was also taking multiple pills a night to help with the entire process so keeping track of all the shots, pills, dates, times, etc. started to feel like a full time job.
Now I started the entire IVF process with the best attitude! I was so excited to finally be moving forward and doing something to get us to where we want to be, with a healthy, happy baby. The first shot was the hardest, just because you're not used to stabbing yourself in the stomach. But once I got the hang of it, that shot wasn't bad and when it came to administering three shots a night, I felt like a pro and it just became my "new normal". I was actually proud of myself for maintaining such a positive attitude and staying excited, even though the side effects were anything but fun and my stomach was black and blue all over. I was always fatigued and felt like I was in a constant foggy cloud in my head. On top of taking the medicine which caused the fatigue to begin with, I was giving up caffeine (not to mention alcohol...good lord I miss my wine) cold turkey so that nothing would stand in the way of me growing big, beautiful, fluffy eggs. On top of the fatigue, I was constantly bloated, uncomfortable and could actually feel all of the follicles on my ovaries grow. On top of alllllll of that, I had to go to the doctor every other day for ultrasounds that were anything but comfortable with all those growing follicles and constant blood work. Luckily blood and needles don't bother me like they do my mom or I would have my head between my legs every other day (Love you mom!) The good news throughout all of this, and the thing that I know Hermes appreciated the most, was that I didn't become a huge monster like I was thinking I would. I mean come on, when you're basically forcing your body to go through early menopause and then pumping it full of all these ridiculous hormones, mood swings are considered normal. However, I like to think that I stayed relatively normal (or maybe I'm just a monster every day so we didn't notice any changes?), but either way, Hermes keeps telling me how proud he is of me and how he's impressed with how I've been handling all of this. He told me he was expecting way worse and truth be told, he was dreading all of this way more than I was. He kept saying he hated that we had to go through this at all, hated that I have to put my body through this and would get this solemn look on his face every time I had a painful side effect or had to administer my shots. Needless to say he was not looking forward to the day when he would have to administer additional shots on me himself, but we were still a little ways away from that.
All of those doctors appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests were to let the doctors know when my body had produced enough eggs, when they were mature enough and when my body was ready to remove all those eggs and move to the next step. Now a lot of the numbers I'm about to say won't mean anything to those of you who aren't familiar, but I'll do my best to explain.
The doctor had already told me that I had a high AMH level which means that I had a high egg reserve. That's great news! Right? It's definitely good news in the sense that I should be able to produce many eggs which should hopefully give us more chances at getting a healthy embryo to then implant. However, due to those high levels, she said I was also at risk of developing ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which can be dangerous. Most cases are easily managed, but the really severe cases can lead to fatality, so there was that. Needless to say, the shots that I was having to give myself were already at a smaller dosage than normal so as not to over stimulate me and cause serious issues. Well, my body didn't disappoint and I started responding to the drugs right away. I could feel every twinge, every swell, everything. By the time it got closer to egg retrieval time, I was so bloated and could feel all of my follicles and eggs so much that it felt like a tire was around my entire waist and lower back. Meanwhile, the blood test I was constantly giving showed that my estradiol levels were rapidly climbing which could be a sign of OHSS and could be a bad thing, so I had to begin a different drug to counteract all of that. If my estradiol levels got too high, they may not have been able to do the egg retrieval, and even if they were able, we would most likely not be able to do an embryo transfer this month as my body would be too stimulated, I may need to be hospitalized and blah blah blah, medical jargon garbly gook.
Cue the egg retrieval. A week ago today, I took my 6 month old niece to what will hopefully be her only time ever needing to go to a reproductive endocrinologist appointment and got another ultrasound and blood work. While there, they told me I was getting really close and it looked like I would have to give myself my trigger shot (a completely different shot that actually triggers ovulation) on Saturday and we would have the egg retrieval on Monday morning. The thing about the trigger shot is that it's very time sensitive and you need to take it at exactly the time they tell you and then have the egg retrieval 36 and a half hours after that. (Honestly guys, this science stuff is completely crazy and mind blowing. The things they are able to do astound and amaze me, but also confuse the crap out of me...ah well I digress..)
Four to five hours after my appointment, I receive a call from my doctor stating that my blood work had come back and I actually needed to trigger that night at exactly 7:30, not the next night and the egg retrieval would be set for Sunday, November 8th. My estradiol levels were so high that we needed to move forward and there was a chance I would get OHSS and not be able to do the embryo transfer this month after all. Let me tell you, the sinking feeling in your stomach is not one you get used to...no matter how many times you feel it... but long story short, I stopped all other shots that night, gave myself my trigger shot, sat down with my cup of tea and took it easy for the rest of the weekend. Taking it easy is pretty much all I could do because I was feeling large and in charge and could feel all 25-40 follicles growing in my body (yes, 25-40, holy army growing in my belly).
Early Sunday morning, Hermes and I made our way to our RE's office and the parking lot was a ghost town. This is at the comp rehab facility, not a hospital, so people don't generally work there on the weekends and it really appears as if no one is there. Well thankfully there were about 5 people there who were going to do my egg retrieval. The egg retrieval is an actual surgery where they put you under anesthesia, you have your iv, and all that fun stuff and they aspirate as many eggs out of your who-ha as they can get. I know, I know, I should have been a doctor because my medical description is on point, thank you.
Anyways, they wheeled me back in the room after getting my iv in and start putting me under. I come to 30 minutes or so later (not a long process) and they tell me they were able to retrieve 21 eggs! 21! We were elated! We were told that retrieving 10-15 was normal so my hardworking ovaries apparently came to win, way to go guys! I was then told to go home and rest, drink lots of water and relax. I wasn't in a ton of pain at this point, but was definitely feeling uncomfortable.
Long story short, Sunday and Monday became very uncomfortable and got more painful as the days went on. So much so that I could barely get up without crying out in pain and it was impossible to stand up straight. Luckily I had the best nurse taking care of me and added bonus, he was cute. (He may have been overqualified for the job, but I'll take it.) Anyways, Hermes was so sweet and waited on me hand and foot, all the while taking care of the house, meals and our pup.
Then Tuesday happened....Tuesday was the day that Hermes was dreading because this was the day he was to start giving me progesterone oil shots in the muscle at the top of my butt everyday for at least two weeks and potentially every day for eight weeks. These shots are extremely thick and painful and then cause your butt to feel super sore and bruised for the next couple days, needless to say a bowl full of fun! Well Tuesday morning around 6:30 a.m., Hermes and I head downstairs so he can get my shot ready. The minute I stepped out of bed I could tell something was off. I felt nauseous and dizzy, crampy and in pain. I made it down the stairs slowly, but in the middle of Hermes giving me my shot I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out or both. He had barely pulled the needle out before I scurried to the bathroom and put my face in the toilet. He helped me back upstairs, but had to go to work and couldn't miss so it was me and the dog for the day. The next 6 hours or so were spent with my body breaking out into an entire cold sweat numerous times, becoming so dizzy and nauseous that all I could see were black spots multiple times, luckily falling to my knees and then my back on the bathroom floor so if I did pass out, I wouldn't fall into something and break my body or my face and feeling like my heart was racing. While I felt like my heart was racing and my eyes wouldn't focus, I made the smart decision to try feeling for a pulse and I couldn't find it. This last part was definitely the scariest, but I was determined to crawl back to my bed and wait it out all the while texting Hermes who was trying to insist on taking me to the ER. I was of course stubbornly refusing, I knew I would be fine, I was just being a big baby and he couldn't miss work to come get me. He did force me to call my doctor and see if what was happening was normal or if I needed to go to the emergency room. They told me that the drug I was taking to prevent OHSS was most likely causing all of these issues and can cause super low blood pressure and slow heart rate (which explained the lack of a pulse considering they always comment on how low my blood pressure and heart rate are to begin with, this just made it even worse). I was told to half the dose and call them if I felt worse. Luckily I woke up Wednesday still not feeling great but actually able to stand without awful pain or falling down which equaled a success in my book. We thought that the worst was over and were looking forward to the embryo transfer which was scheduled for today, Friday the 13th.
We were told that out of the 21 eggs they received on Sunday, 17 were mature and they were able to fertilize 11 of the 17. This meant we had 11 embryos that they would monitor and see which one would be the best one to implant. On Wednesday, we received a call that out of the 11 embryos, 5 were above average quality, 2 were average and 4 were behind in development, but they would continue to watch them and hope they caught up. We were thrilled! 5 above average meant that we had multiple ones to choose from to implant and that we should hopefully have a decent amount to freeze so that if, god forbid, this didn't work, I wouldn't need to put my body through the entire IVF process again and we would be able to use the frozen embryo without the need for another egg retrieval. That sounded great to me!
Today was the scheduled day for the embryo transfer. I woke up this morning in a great mood, ready to take on the day and put a baby in my belly! I even text one of my best friends who is two days past her due date and said that hopefully we put a baby in my belly today and we get one out of hers. (I know, I'm so witty..) Hermes had to go to work, but was meeting me at the doctor for the appointment. We got there within two minutes of one another and were eventually taken into a room to wait for the embryologist to go over our embryos and see which one we would implant. We had already agreed that we would only implant one as Hermes and our doctor were hesitant to implant two because of all of the risks associated with multiples and IVF. There are higher miscarriage rates, premature birth rates, birth defects, etc. so while I would absolutely LOVE twins, the doctors' logic won out and we had agreed to implant one.
Hermes and I were so excited, optimistic and joking and laughing about different things. I don't even remember what he said but I was in the middle of laughing pretty hard when I all of a sudden stopped. He looked at me and I just said, "something is about to happen." He asked me what I meant and I just told him that we have been blindsided so many times and I could feel it was about to happen again and I began growing very nervous and anxious. He told me that I was being silly, but I couldn't shake the feeling. Two seconds later the embryologist walked in.... he then began to tell us that out of our 11 embryos, three had arrested so we only had 8 left and out of those 8 they were all below average quality. He couldn't explain what happened and just kept saying they were surprised considering I'm still so young and our results to everything else were so great, my body had produced so many eggs, we had so many embryos, etc. but they were not growing as they should and our little embabies were not what the doctors had hoped for... (enter the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach yet again)...I of course started to tear up which made the poor embryologist quite uncomfortable (he was definitely one of those people who had nervous laughter when uncomfortable which would have made for a comical moment had I not been the one causing his discomfort). He then went on to say that because of the low quality of embryos, he and our doctor were recommending implanting two to give us our best chance...the minute he said that our doctor was on board with this my stomach sunk even further. She had been adamant that she preferred to only implant one good embryo if possible so the fact that she was recommending implanting two really meant that our embabies were not how they should be...
Hermes and I barely had any time to process any of this before we were walked to the "embryo transfer" room. I was told to undress, put my feet in the stirrups and they would begin the process of transferring our embryos. I asked our doctor if this was a Hail Mary pass and while she said she wouldn't characterize it as such, our odds were definitely lower than they expected and they couldn't explain it due to all of our other results, our ages, etc. I laid there (practically upside down on the table they had inverted) clutching my husband's poor hand, with tears streaming down the sides of my face as they performed the embryo transfer. They then had me lie there for 20 minutes (they only recommend 10, but I asked them to let me stay there for 20...I figured more time could only help) and then we got up to leave.
I think I've mentioned it before, but Hermes and I often talk about how we are extremely fortunate and how we have an amazing life. We have each other, we have wonderful friends and family, we have our sweet puppy, we have jobs that we both love, a roof over our heads, and so much more. While we know we are fortunate and truly count our blessings, we also joke that we have some horrendous luck. In the past two and a half years our crappy luck has brought cancer, chemo, infertility, miscarriage and now below average embryos. It's honestly probably a good thing we don't play the lottery, with our luck we'd probably end up owing them money... But while receiving the news before the transfer I told Hermes that our luck was at it again and damn you Friday the 13th. His response was that he didn't even know it was Friday the 13th, but that maybe it should have a reverse effect on us. His reasoning was that since our luck was so bad and Friday the 13th was known for bad luck, then maybe it would magically bring us good luck? Lord I love this man who tries to spin such crap to make me feel better :)
After all of this, I've been wrestling with myself and my emotions for the past 7 and a half hours. I started off trying not to cry and fighting off this feeling of defeat...I then went to a state of absolute prayer and hope and have been praying that maybe we'll have miracle embryos that will stick and result in one and possibly even two babies. And.....then I've gone back again to the defeat, back to prayer, etc. etc. another lovely vicious cycle. I also really wrestled with whether or not I wanted to be so public about this. We're now in the "two week wait" to find out if the transfer worked and I didn't want the added pressure of everyone knowing whether we are actually pregnant or not the minute we find out. On the other hand, I think we could use all of the prayers and good thoughts we can get to see if we get a miracle and in the end, the thought of getting as many prayers as we can get won out and I decided to share.
I'm actually a member of a group on Facebook of women who have suffered miscarriages, infertility, gone through ivf and more from all over the world. I never post on the site but follow others regularly, however today I felt the need to post. So many of these women have reached out with prayers, words of hopes, stories of their own and one really stood out to me. One woman wrote that I need to remember that God is known for giving you double for your trouble. That really resonated with me and gave me more hope so I looked into it more and this is what I am now clinging to.
I'm sorry that this has been such a novel, but Hermes and I just ask for all of the good thoughts and prayers we can get. We really have gone through more in these two and a half years than I ever expected and I'm starting to not feel as strong. I also know that there are others who have been through even more than we have which makes me feel weak and silly to complain so please pray for them as well. I pray for them, I pray for us and I pray that our luck can change, we remain strong and positive and we hopefully receive the best holiday surprise ever.
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