It has been a ridiculously long time since my last post, but we're about to say goodbye to 2015 and I have many thoughts running through my mind. 2015 wasn't exactly Hermes and my best year, but I have high hopes that 2016 will change all that. After a recent discussion with someone, I have decided that my New Year's resolution is to come across as grateful and appreciative of my life as I truly am (apparently I've been doing a horrible job at that) and to continue to take one day at a time, hopefully with a smile on my face.
This post is probably going to be all over the place so please bear with me. I usually write to express how I'm feeling and to talk to other women who are going through the same thing so they feel they aren't alone. Today, however, I want to wrap up 2015 by hopefully talking to people who have never had to deal with infertility or miscarriage and try and get you to see what it's like so you can hopefully understand a little more and can be there for someone you know.
I have been a Cleveland sports fan my entire life. They don't make it easy and there are certainly days when you want to give up on them, but you don't. Lately, I've been feeling a bond with them that I hadn't before. I was recently told that due to our infertility and miscarriage, I am resentful of others who have children and am ungrateful for what I do have in my life. After being told that I am basically a horrible person, or at least come across that way here on my blog, I've felt that I might be more like Cleveland sports than I ever thought. Maybe it is difficult to love me at times and I make it hard to stand by me through all of our trials and tribulations, but hopefully people who do stick by me see the potential through my mistakes and continue to hold out hope anyways, a feeling that us Cleveland fans know all too well.
First off, if I have offended people with my past blogs or made you feel like I resent you or that all I'm doing is complaining, I am deeply and truly sorry and that was never my intent. Infertility and miscarriage really are all consuming and it's becoming more and more clear to me that there is no way to understand that unless you've gone through it yourself.
My recent discussion with said person above left me in tears multiple nights in a row and made me try to get them to understand where I was coming from. This person has made it 1000% clear that they wholeheartedly disagree with me and my feelings and that they can't even see why I would feel the way I do. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I must respect that, the stubbornness in me wants to make others at least understand where I'm coming from so badly so I'm going to try one last ditch effort and use my beloved Cleveland Browns to hopefully shed a little light on the subject.
Please note that this is absolutely an oversimplification of how most women I know who are fighting infertility and miscarriage feel, but I wanted to keep it as simple as possible to hopefully get a point across. I'm sorry if I just come across ridiculous, but here goes.
So back to Cleveland.....oh Cleveland...You have a bad rap and are judged by many people, but you are also so loved by many and have some of the most loyal fans on the face of the earth. I find that the Cleveland Browns in particular have a weird parallel to our infertility/miscarriage journey and hopefully my babbling will make sense and help even just one person who has never had to go through these issues understand a little more what it's like.
For me, infertility really is a lot like the Cleveland Browns. They struggle day in and day out and just can't seem to get there. They generally can't even achieve a winning season let alone the Super Bowl. So each year, the Super Bowl comes and goes and they're nowhere near it. As a Cleveland fan, it's not that you're not happy for the other teams who are playing, or that you feel they don't deserve it. You know most have worked hard to get where they are and some are frankly just born with the God given talent to be amazing at their sport and you don't hold that against them. Sure, you wish it was your team who could make it to the top and it hurts that it feels like it never will be, but that's not the other teams' fault. You may be jealous of them and absolutely want what they have, but, as the good sportsman that I hope you are, you don't begrudge them of what they have or feel they aren't deserving. You aren't trying to and don't want to take away from what they have and what they've accomplished, it just hurts that you can't seem to ever have the same thing.
For me, our infertility experience is a lot like Cleveland football. Every year I hold out hope that this year will be different and we'll get to our super bowl (sorry that's pretty lame, sticking with the theme I've got going) and every year thus far I've been met with heartache and disappointment. Sure, by the time the Super Bowl comes around, we generally throw a party, have friends over and we watch the teams who are playing. Yes, they may not be "my" team, but I still watch, I root for them and I get genuinely excited when it's a good game and one of them inevitably wins.
Infertility is much the same. I am absolutely heartbroken when it's another year and I'm still without our baby and frankly, losing our baby was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Yes yes, I know, some of you are judging me and wondering how I could say that when my then 27 year old husband went through 6 months of chemo for Stage III cancer. I've been told I'm not grateful for him and for getting through that because I've been focusing so much on infertility and miscarriage. The difference there was that I wasn't going to lose him, it wasn't an option. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I refused to let him go anywhere. That may sound stupid or naive, but it's how I felt and what helped me get through. Yes, it was unbelievably awful and I hope we never have to go through something like that again, but I refused to think negatively or that he wouldn't get better.
With infertility and our miscarriage, it's different....I tried explaining it to the above mentioned person and it didn't get through, but I will try with you as well. Have you ever had a dream your entire life, truly one dream that meant more than all the others and it just wasn't coming true? This particular person has fortunately been blessed and achieved every dream and goal they set for themselves throughout their life so couldn't relate, but I still tried. I told them that for as long as I could remember, I've wanted to be a mom. Truly, you could ask my mom how many times I talked about it, even as a baby myself. I wanted to babysit and be around kids as much as possible because that was and is my dream. I've had other dreams and have been fortunate enough to reach most of them, but this dream, the ultimate dream, still often feels out of reach.
Please don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. This person repeatedly told me that I was ungrateful and come across horribly so if that is the case, I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart. If I have offended anyone or come across as an ungrateful, selfish brat then I am not doing a good job expressing myself at all. I have accomplished some pretty great things in my 29 years of life and will strive to continue to do so, but the one thing I want more than anything seems to constantly elude me and unfortunately that one thing is all consuming. It doesn't take away from all that I have and am beyond thankful for; I know I'm extremely fortunate and really do have a great life, but knowing that unfortunately doesn't make any of this easier.
I read a study recently that shows that "women with fertility problems are as stressed, anxious, and depressed as women with cancer, heart disease, or HIV. Blood tests, pills, injections, ultrasounds and procedures cause stress and emotional upheaval in women. Also, society fails to recognize the grief caused by infertility, so people denied parenthood tend to hide their sorrow, which only increases their feelings of shame and isolation."
I've obviously been more open about our struggles than most, but this person made me realize why most people keep it to themselves. I now fully understand the feelings of shame and isolation and I wouldn't wish that on anyone either.
Through all of this babbling and back and forth, I hope that you're still with me and can kind of see what I'm talking about. I promise you, I am so happy for those of you who have kids and have not had to go through any of this. I'm sure you've had other struggles to deal with and if not, that's even better! I wouldn't wish hard times on anyone, let alone my friends and family. But for those of you who may agree with this person who was greatly offended when I said I was happy for all who get pregnant and have kids, but yes, I admit, I am especially happy for those who have struggled day in and day out to get there; for those who have endured losing their babies, for those who have gone through treatment after treatment, side effect after side effect, and more often more debt than ever thought possible just to pay for those things in the hopes of getting the baby they so desperately yearn for? I'm sorry, but yes, I am even happier for these people when the day comes that they are finally pregnant and have their baby. It doesn't and shouldn't take away from all you others who were able to have kids easily. That's truly amazing and please know your infertile friends are happy for you even though it causes them pain that they can't seem to have the same. Their pain has NOTHING to do with you so please PLEASE don't take it personally.
It's honestly like the Cleveland Browns... You're happy for the teams in the Super Bowl and it's fun to watch them year after year, but if your beloved Cleveland Browns actually miraculously made it one year after working so hard and being shot down so many times, you may just feel a little bit happier for them. Once again, it doesn't take away from teams in past years, it simply just gives you hope that even the underdog can achieve their dream.
I'm not holding out any hope that this will do anything to change the above mentioned person's mind. In fact it'll probably end up doing just the opposite and I'll be accused of more things I never intended, but maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else understand the infertility and miscarriage struggle that a loved one is dealing with a little bit more.
Sorry that this was truly all over the place, but I hope that at least some of that made sense. But either way, Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2016 brings everything your heart desires and is truly everyone's best year to date.
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