I wanted to write a post that was more lighthearted, hopeful, maybe made people laugh as that's one of my favorite things to do, but so far this post is not turning out to be that. Sorry guys.
Honestly, is it just me or when something is going on in your life you happen to see it everywhere on a tv show, commercial, or constant reminders elsewhere? I know that with almost anything I watch or read or encounter in every day life lately I'm either seeing a baby, a pregnant woman, someone just finding out they're pregnant, or god forbid, someone losing their child. I know it's not just for me either. I know that single friends of mine constantly see people in love or getting married, people with cancer or other diseases constantly see reminders of that disease or others fighting through it as well, people going through divorce or loss of jobs see it everywhere, etc.
With being constantly reminded, it's easy to start wondering what you could have done differently to change the outcome, if you caused this and what you did wrong. I know that I've definitely had thoughts wondering what I did to cause the situation we are in with infertility and miscarriage.
With our pregnancy, I stopped drinking coffee and my beloved diet dr. peppers. I switched face wash, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, make up, moisturizers, etc. My new shampoo and conditioner were such crap that they left gunk and build-up in my hair even right after washing that made it feel dirtier than when I had stepped into the shower, but I was determined to use it dammit. No parabens or sulfates or other horrible things that would cause my baby to have 10 heads and 10 arms and legs? Count me in! Screw you Herbal Essence, I'm going with the delightful all natural stuff. I will gladly look like a drippy grease monkey if it means keeping my baby safe, right?
I stopped drinking caffeine cold turkey (sorry Hermes, and well...everyone), I stopped eating deli meats, didn't eat seafood, didn't eat soft cheeses, drank enough water to sink a ship and abided by all of the eight million other do's and don'ts that are out there. I prayed every day, kept stress levels as low as I could, didn't lift heavy objects including my beloved pup, got plenty of sleep, was eating healthier, walking more and so on and so on.
Even with feeling like I was doing everything right, it ended up not mattering. What more could I or should I have done? Was I just such an awful person; had I done such awful things in my past that karma was coming back to haunt me? Did I do this?...to my husband and myself and our baby?...
I've realized that I am definitely not alone in playing this oh so fun blame game, and I also know that society's perception doesn't always help. In reading so many other blogs and posts and stories out there, one of the common suggestions is that infertility and miscarriage are kept so secret and quiet because we, as women, and much of society feel like we had to have done something wrong to cause it or to not get pregnant easily. I'm starting to realize that this is absolutely not true. Not being able to have a baby "naturally" does not make anyone a failure. Even if you do get pregnant, as I've said in a previous post, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in miscarriage through no fault of anyone involved. It is unfortunately just "one of those things" that is all too common and we need to stop blaming ourselves.
I can blame myself for getting chubby because I eat like crap far too often, eat too much almost always and don't ever work out. I can blame myself for having a headache because I drank too much the night before. I can blame myself for not having dinner on the table because I was too lazy to go to the grocery store that day. There are plenty of things I can blame myself for, but this should not be one of them.
Hermes and I secretly took videos when we told our family we were pregnant and I watched those videos today for the first time since our loss. In these videos, we had just found out the week before that we were pregnant and my whole family was all at Clear Lake (the lake I practically grew up on and one of my favorite places in the world) for a week during Fourth of July.
I sat on my couch and cried today while watching the smiles and laughter, tears of joy and surprise from our loved ones. Watching these was pretty difficult, but it also gave me hope. Hope that we will get to see the joy and excitement in our families' eyes again and be able to add a cousin for our nephews and niece and finally add to our growing family. After watching these I'm going to try and focus on the hope, I'm going to try and be done playing the blame game and I'm going to go play cards against humanity or something equally inappropriate instead.
(I've tried uploading the video's here, but they may or may not work so here's hoping!)
**(As I've been told, the videos work on a computer, but won't work on your phone for some reason. Sorry!)
I've realized that I am definitely not alone in playing this oh so fun blame game, and I also know that society's perception doesn't always help. In reading so many other blogs and posts and stories out there, one of the common suggestions is that infertility and miscarriage are kept so secret and quiet because we, as women, and much of society feel like we had to have done something wrong to cause it or to not get pregnant easily. I'm starting to realize that this is absolutely not true. Not being able to have a baby "naturally" does not make anyone a failure. Even if you do get pregnant, as I've said in a previous post, up to 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in miscarriage through no fault of anyone involved. It is unfortunately just "one of those things" that is all too common and we need to stop blaming ourselves.
I can blame myself for getting chubby because I eat like crap far too often, eat too much almost always and don't ever work out. I can blame myself for having a headache because I drank too much the night before. I can blame myself for not having dinner on the table because I was too lazy to go to the grocery store that day. There are plenty of things I can blame myself for, but this should not be one of them.
Hermes and I secretly took videos when we told our family we were pregnant and I watched those videos today for the first time since our loss. In these videos, we had just found out the week before that we were pregnant and my whole family was all at Clear Lake (the lake I practically grew up on and one of my favorite places in the world) for a week during Fourth of July.
I sat on my couch and cried today while watching the smiles and laughter, tears of joy and surprise from our loved ones. Watching these was pretty difficult, but it also gave me hope. Hope that we will get to see the joy and excitement in our families' eyes again and be able to add a cousin for our nephews and niece and finally add to our growing family. After watching these I'm going to try and focus on the hope, I'm going to try and be done playing the blame game and I'm going to go play cards against humanity or something equally inappropriate instead.
(I've tried uploading the video's here, but they may or may not work so here's hoping!)
**(As I've been told, the videos work on a computer, but won't work on your phone for some reason. Sorry!)
In the video above, we gave my dad a "belated Father's Day gift" and wrote a poem explaining we were pregnant in the card. Needless to say they were surprised.
In this video above, my sister's reaction comes across a little stoic, but she definitely cried after we stopped taping :)
Amanda's (my sister in law's) reaction was honestly my favorite
My brother may drive me crazy some days, but for some reason his reaction made me cry the most
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