Having gone through infertility for the past two years as well as our recent miscarriage, I have discovered that many people don't know how to talk to me about all or any of it. So many people mean well, but having never gone through any of it before, they can't relate and aren't sure what to say.
I've talked with multiple friends going through infertility or miscarriage about the things that people say that can often feel like a constant punch to the gut so today, I felt like I would write some advice to others who don't know what we're going through or feeling to keep you from unwillingly and unknowingly hurting someone else with your words.
I realize that there are a lot of people out there who have no idea what women like me are going through in dealing with these issues, so below are some top things I have polled from fellow ladies who do understand and have been told things they wish they hadn't during this difficult time. Being a little more cognizant of the best ways to support a friend or family in these situations will keep you from unintentionally causing pain and frankly, can keep you from being on the receiving end of a potential hormonal slap to the face (you really never know, so why risk it? :) )
1. "Have you ever considered adoption?"
Oh my goodness, I haven't, what is that? Please tell me what that is! But really, all sarcasm and snarkiness aside, this question does not help. It's human nature to want to fix a problem and to many people, that's what this question is aimed to do. We know that it comes from a good place, however I promise you that most women going through infertility or miscarriage have thought of this alternative and while it is a wonderful thing and many may end up going this route, many are also not quite there yet. The dream of having your own baby that looks like you or your significant other, the feeling of being pregnant and getting to feel your baby grow and kick inside of you is not one that goes away easily, if ever. I know that in our case we want to exhaust every possible option before adoption becomes our reality, but that doesn't mean we haven't thought about it so please, don't ask this as if all other options are pointless.
2. "I can't believe how easy it was for us to get pregnant!"
That really is amazing. Truly no sarcasm, I am really happy for you but please know that this is seriously a knife to the heart. I've been told this a few different times by different women who either had no idea what we were going through or were just so excited that they simply didn't think about it. I understand the excitement, I really do, but please just think about the other person and what they may be going through. It really is wonderful that getting pregnant and becoming a mom was and is so easy for you, but don't be ignorant to the fact that not everyone is that fortunate.
3. "I still can't believe it, we weren't even really trying!"
This coincides with #2 above, but my friends and I have heard this so many times and I know that I've almost started crying each and every time. It's again just one of those things that hurts and people need to be aware of. You are absolutely allowed to be excited and amazed that you are one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant so easily, just be aware of who you're talking to when you say certain things and know that it might not be the same for them.
4. "Don't worry, it'll happen."
This one may confuse people who have never been through infertility or miscarriage. It seems so well meaning and supportive. However, when you've been trying for so long, or have just lost a baby, bitterness can creep in and the future is so uncertain. I admit that I have found myself crying to Hermes after being told this by someone earlier in the day and screaming "Really?? How do you know that? Why does your crystal ball work and mine doesn't?! You don't know that it will happen for us so how could you say that?!" I admit this was not one of my finer moments...and I am not proud of the bitter feelings that I sometimes have, but this is just one of those things that we are questioning everyday wondering if it will ever happen so to hear this just brings back all of those questions.
5. "Just relax, it'll happen when you aren't stressing about it and least expect it."
This also coincides with #4. We know you're trying to be helpful and we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends, but this doesn't really help. It's near impossible to not stress when everyone around you is getting pregnant and having perfect, healthy babies. It's near impossible to not stress when taking mood altering medications, shots, etc. It's near impossible to not stress when you have a chart or multiple apps documenting your temperature, cycles, ovulation days, etc.
Now I have the added element that Hermes and I actually did get pregnant when we weren't stressing or planning for it because we were scheduled to do IVF the next month and didn't think we could get pregnant naturally so I'm kind of contradicting this. But then we lost our baby and now I'm even more stressed than before. The thought of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant and then losing another baby are some of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever had so being stress free isn't really an option right now.
I am keeping my faith and trying so hard to not lose hope, but not stressing out doesn't seem realistic.
6. "Well at least your husband is healthy, be thankful for that."
I've received this comment a few different times and while I would like to think it's just people trying to help, it makes me feel like you think I'm a jerk and not beyond grateful that my husband is cancer free. This comment made me think that I shouldn't be upset or concerned about our fertility issues or losing our baby and that I wasn't counting my blessings enough. It took me a long time to realize that I can be appreciative of all that I have while still being upset about one of the things I've wanted my entire life. So please, please do not make someone going through this feel bad about themselves or feel like they're ungrateful, that is the furthest thing from helping.
7. There are too many things I've been told that fall within this category so instead of an actual statement I'm going to simply say, don't belittle the problem. You may not think it's a big deal but to this person, it's everything. They know other bad things could happen, but that doesn't make this any less worse for them. And for the love, don't tell them to be glad they don't have kids and then compare it to the no sleep you're getting with your healthy, happy kids.
8. Coinciding with #7, do not complain about your pregnancy to someone who would kill to be in your shoes. Yes, morning sickness, bloating, constipation, acne, heartburn, all of that is not pleasant, but so many of us would love to live with our head in the toilet if it meant being pregnant and giving birth to a happy, healthy baby. I'm not belittling how you feel or saying you can't complain about feeling like crap and I'm sorry that you do, just be careful who you complain to.
9. "Oh you're young you have plenty of time."
True...until you're not. We've already been trying for two and a half years and who knows how much longer it will take. I turn 29 in less than a month and being married to a doctor who knows the risks of having kids past 35 better than most, our clock is ticking. I know many women who have had perfect babies after 35, but I also know that's not the case for everyone so this ticking time bomb is always in the back of my mind. If I was 21 and you said this, I may agree, but I always thought I'd have at least two kids by age 30 and now I'll be so lucky if I have one.
10. "Well, at least you got pregnant."
Yes, I was pregnant and I wasn't sure if I would ever be so that is amazing. Yet there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant again and there's no guarantee I'll sustain a pregnancy. I'm once again constantly praying and hoping I will, but this statement is not overly productive.
11. "You'll have other babies."
I pray you're right, but this one goes back to the crystal ball that I don't have so I don't know if this will happen. I can only have hope and have faith that it will all work out.
12. "At some point it's just a cluster of cells." ......
I have not been told this particular comment, but I know someone who has after her miscarriage and I'm really not even sure how this comment was supposed to help in any way. Just because some women miscarry early doesn't make it any less real or heartbreaking or feel any less than the loss of a child. I would like to think that most people have enough common sense to not say things like this person did, but the fact that people aren't always thinking is unfortunately more and more evident each day. So please, I beg you, think before you speak and try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine yourself going through one of the worst things of your life and think of things you would want to hear, not just whatever pops into your mind or you think you should say.
Now after telling you what my friends and I hope you won't do, let me tell you what you can do. Actively listen to your friend, hug them when they want or need a hug and just be there to support them. Once again, I know it's human nature to want to fix a problem and make it better, but that's not always an option. So instead of trying to fill the silence with any of the above statements, just tell that person that you are so sorry they are going through this, whether it's infertility or miscarriage, and you are here for them. Bring them dinner, make them laugh, let them cry and just be there to hold their hand.
I've had many friends unsure of what they should or should not say when around me, if they should talk about it or dance around it and everyone is different. I'm okay with talking about it and am just looking for support, even if there's no true understanding. Knowing that I have so many friends and family who do care has been some of the best medicine I could ever have.
This post is not meant to shame anyone if you have said some of these things in the past, nor to make anyone feel guilty. It is simply to inform and hopefully help you understand some friends and family in the future who may unfortunately be dealing with these issues.
I'll leave it with this poem my sister sent me soon after our loss and I could not have said it better myself.
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