As I'm sure you could tell and as I've been told, there was a huge difference between my first post and second. I woke up on Tuesday still in shock and in a state of disbelief, but trying to hold it together. I woke up on Wednesday pissed off at the world, wanting to punch something and felt like a bitter Betty. I woke up this morning exhausted after having been with the fire department until 1:30 in the morning. Now I know that many women have a "thing" for firemen (especially my cousin, Colby) and while I often share that sentiment, I don't know if I'm a huge fan when it's past my bedtime, I'm feeling crampy and disgusting, have the day's smudged mascara still all over my face and two out of the three firemen are shorter than me and looked like they were twelve...
Needless to say, three firefighters at my home with their loud, large truck waking our neighbors at 1:30 a.m. was less than ideal, however we did appreciate that they came and how sweet they were. Long story short, one of our smoke/carbon monoxide detectors had been beeping on and off for the past 2 hours and we couldn't figure out why. Then, a little before 1:30, every single stinking detector decided to let out the most loud, obnoxious, continuous beep and wouldn't stop for 5-10 minutes. Now normally Hermes and I would probably say screw it, hit the damn things with a broom stick to make them all stop and go back to bed, but then....Google got involved. I wasn't feeling well, was feeling semi-nauseous, a little dizzy and just overall pretty crappy. According to Google, carbon monoxide poisoning can make you feel all of those things, then make you feel strong fatigue, force you to fall asleep and then you die, nice huh? (We know, we know, we were being drama queens, but it's been a long couple days, we both haven't been sleeping, we were exhausted and we didn't know if I just wasn't feeling well from the surgery or if it was carbon monoxide...sue us.) So we call 911 as Google told us to do, tell them our situation and they send the very nice firemen to our door. As I'm sure you can guess, they didn't find any smoke, didn't find any carbon monoxide and decided we must have had some sort of power outage that caused a short circuit problem and made the detectors attack...well that's great. Hermes says better safe than sorry, I say I feel stupid...
Oh well...like I said I woke up this morning exhausted and still feeling pretty heartbroken, but somehow a little better (maybe the firemen did help?..). Truth be told, I'm starting to feel a little bipolar with all these mood swings and I think my husband is worried about which wife he's going to get which day (sorry babe, I'll try to be more Kate Middleman and less angry elf...key word "try").
Thankfully, no matter how I'm feeling or behaving, I have the most wonderful friends and family who have been there for us through it all. My parents, who live an hour away, were on our front doorstep within 50 minutes of hearing from us that we had lost our baby and came back again the next day to take me to and from the hospital while my poor husband had to care for his own patients. (Luckily he works in the same hospital and was able to be with me while they prepped me for surgery and was with me after I came to.) My parents then spent the rest of the day with me until Hermes was able to come home. They let me be alone when I needed space, hugged me when I felt like breaking down and just sat by me when needed.
Yesterday, my fantastic sister in law spent the entire day with me. We cried when we needed to cry, she made me smile and laugh throughout the day, (plied me with wine, thank you God) and when I told her I wanted a break from being myself and needed a change, she cut and colored my hair.
I'm not much of a selfie person, but figured my new hair deserved a new attitude so here it is. (It's definitely darker and shorter, but you can't see the gorgeous caramel highlights she strategically placed in amazing spots.)
My sweet girl always manages to make me feel better
On a completely different note, for some reason my body feels like it needs to constantly remind me what I've gone through this week. I'll spare you the gory details, but girls who have gone through this before...I had no idea what you had to deal with and you're all freaking super heroes...
Now I still find myself crying at random times and still can't fully believe we're having to go through this, but I'm refusing to throw a pity party. I can see how beyond fortunate I am. I know I'm a broken record, but I truly have the most amazing family, such sweet and caring friends, the most patient and wonderful husband any woman could wish for, the sweetest fur baby in the world and of course I can't forget, firemen. I couldn't throw a pity party even if I wanted to.
I will be honest though; while I have new hair and I'm trying to have a new attitude, there isn't one second I don't think of our little one...but I'm trying to think of Lil Bean with a smile. At least I know we can get pregnant now, something I have been so scared we would never be able to do for the past two years. At least I know that when we are blessed with a little one, he/she will be born into the best family imaginable and he/she will have the best dad any child could have. So while I know it's going to hurt for a long time and most likely forever, you have to count your blessings and push on.
Thanks for reading :)
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