They say up to 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage...1 in 4! How is that possible?? That seems insanely high and there is no way....Except I know enough women to know that that statistic could actually be true...
It wasn't until I voiced it out loud to my sister in law that I realized I truly recently experienced the loneliest, most surreal and most isolated moment of my life..
Driving to the hospital for the procedure a week ago today, I had my mom and my dad with me in the car. (As I mentioned in a previous post, Hermes had to work so he was already at the hospital and would be meeting us there.) Walking into the hospital and checking in, my parents never left my side. Getting onto the fourth floor Women's Center where they bring babies into the world and parents get to say hi and hold their little ones for the first time, a nurse met me where I would say good bye to my baby one last time..
As I was waiting on my husband to come and I hugged my parents good bye outside of the waiting room, I started to feel like there was no way that this could be my life. I followed the nurse to the "restricted section" and down a hall where loud voices were coming out behind curtained rooms. She of course continued to lead me down what felt like a dramatically long hallway to the empty curtained room at the very end of the hall. It was there that she showed me three plastic bags; one for my clothes, one for my shoes and one for my jewelry. She told me she was so sorry I had to be here, handed me a patient gown, told me to call her when ready, then left the room and closed my curtain.
This was where the moment occurred..standing in this tiny curtained room all by myself, loud voices filling the space around me. No Hermes, no parents, no doctors, no nurses, just me...expected to undress and put my belongings in tiny plastic baggies so that I could begin the process of removing my baby...
I knew this moment was coming. I had tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for what I would have to do, but I'm not sure anyone can ever be fully prepared. Even when in an empty room, I hadn't been alone for the past 10 weeks as my Lil Bean had been with me..and now I knew that was no longer the case...My baby was gone and it was their job to remove the rest..
It sounds so crass when put that way, but if I'm being honest, I have never felt so heartbroken, so alone or so defeated. Sure I tried to put on a brave face for the nurses when they came back in, for my doctor when she appeared and for my husband who was walked back while they were prepping me for surgery...but inside I was screaming. Why was this happening?! Why was yet another thing going completely opposite as planned in our lives?! When were we going to get to experience anything the easy way?! Our first year of marriage wasn't easy because we were dealing with cancer and chemo; starting our family wasn't easy as we had to struggle through infertility and drugs and treatments; pregnancy wasn't easy as we couldn't even make it past the first trimester...Looking back I don't think I was even feeling sorry for myself. I think I was simply in shock and disbelief that this was my life and other than Hermes, it was not at all how I had pictured..
Now what's crazy about statistics is that they say 1 in 4 women will go through what I went through and with those odds, there's no way I can be alone in how I felt. In fact, I know I'm not alone in my thoughts and heartbreak or how I felt in that little room. In writing this blog, I have had more women than I could have ever imagined reach out to me and share their own stories of waiting, heartache and loss. I have been so touched by the stories, prayers, kind words, advice and strength that these many women have shown me and I am shocked by how quiet these topics are kept in society. Infertility and miscarriage are way more common than anyone wants to believe, yet people aren't comfortable with talking about it except in small circles and behind closed doors. Why? Do we feel like failures when we can't get pregnant on our own because society has instilled the mentality that this should be an easy thing that women were built for? Do we feel like no one else has any idea what we're feeling or going through so it's better to just keep it to ourselves? Do we feel like we're seen as weak if we actually talk about it out loud instead of acting strong while internalizing the constant stress and pressure and pain? Do we feel like people who don't understand will judge us for wanting to be open about our struggles? Whatever the reason, it's total crap and we need to feel free to start talking if that's what we want.
I realize that not everyone is as outspoken and open as me (probably a good thing), and I also realize that for some, this pain is very private and they don't want to share which is completely okay and 100% their choice. But I also realize that while our story is heartbreaking to us, it may not be considered all that special, is not all that uncommon and a lot of people I know do want to talk about it and talk about their own stories. So having said that, to anyone who is reading, please feel free to start talking and share. These are devastating issues that far too many men and women are dealing with and pushing through and they don't need to be going at it alone. Even if you don't feel you can or want to have an open discussion about these issues, but want a specific thing talked about or mentioned, please let me know. I have already received comments and stories from women asking me to talk about different things they've experienced and I plan to discuss in future posts so please feel free to message me and do the same.
While I really didn't expect people to continue to follow my posts and read my ramblings, I have received comments and encouragements that you are reading and that is appreciated more than you know. I will continue to write because it makes me feel better and I've been told that it has actually helped some others as well. I also want to write about anything any of you still reading want to discuss. I would love nothing more than to help anyone else going through these struggles in anyway that I can.
So for those of you who are reading, I'll leave you with something that has helped me each day that I read it and I hope it helps whoever else needs it as well.
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