In these past two and a half weeks we have been waiting for the results telling us what went wrong and what happened to our baby. We have also been waiting to find out if our baby was a boy or girl. When we first found out we had lost our baby, I vehemently told the doctor I did not want to know the sex of our baby...but as time went on I decided I needed to know. Every time I prayed, I wanted to pray specifically for our baby boy or baby girl, I didn't want to keep stating him/her.
Today was the day we got our results..
My doctor called me and asked how I was doing, then went into the results. It turns out our baby had triploidy...A triploid pregnancy is one where there is an entire extra set of chromosomes. My doctor explained to me that we all have 46 chromosomes and when an egg and sperm meet, they are to come in with 23 chromosomes each to make up the 46 for the baby. In our case, either the sperm or egg (she wasn't sure which one) hadn't broken down properly and came in with 46 chromosomes on its own which gave our baby an entire extra set of chromosomes, making 69 in all instead of the desired 46. This is not sustainable, as we obviously found out...
I asked her if this was "normal" or if she thought this was chemo related? She informed me that this was actually one of the relatively more common causes of miscarriage and she did not seem to think it was chemo caused.
She also told me that the testing showed that our baby had been a little girl...this news honestly took my breath away for a second. I had been feeling like it was a little girl from the day we found out. I can't describe it and don't know why, but I just had that feeling. I realize that there was a 50/50 chance so my "feeling" could have just been luck, but to feel like that and then have it actually confirmed was also surreal.
So we have the results....where do we go from here? Hermes and I are now in yet another holding pattern...waiting for my body to go back to normal, waiting on getting more tests and results on him to see if chemo is still in his system, waiting to see if we want to try naturally once my body does go back to normal or just dive right into IVF... So many choices and decisions and yet we can't really make any of them for quite some time. We literally have nothing to do but wait right now....and as you all know I am NOT a patient person and feel like we've already been waiting for two years so this just irritates me to no end..
However, I am forcing myself to not be irritated and just focus on the fact that we at least now have answers and are no longer waiting on results. One day at a time...we have these results and will continue to get more, it just takes time.
Don't you love that saying, it just takes time? I freaking hate that saying.....I hate even more that it's true.. Having said that, I'm going to focus on what I said in the beginning of this post. It's crazy how fast time seems to go, but also feels like it's standing still. So for now, I'm going to focus on the fact that we're one step closer to getting our baby and I'm going to pray for our little girl and hope she knows how much she's loved and missed...
Hermes' response to being told we would have had a little girl broke my heart, but made me smile at the same time. He simply said "I would have loved to have a little princess..." and then followed it up with "You know how much I love you?" This man is going to be the most amazing father one day and even admitted that this little girl would have had him wrapped around her finger, which we both know is true.
So while we have to wait and time will most likely drag on, I'm going to focus on my husband, my rock, and pray for our baby girl.
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| Not completely true...I still find myself crying at times, but I'm looking forward to seeing our baby girl in my dreams tonight |
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