Fighting the fear of moving forward

It's been awhile since I wrote last so I figured it was probably time. Truth is I've been having pretty good days, but I've still been having a few bad days. Luckily, the bad days have become further and farther in between, but I have to admit, I had a pretty bad day this past weekend.

I recently had one of the hardest days I've had in awhile and it took me time to recoup. It just seems like I constantly hear that everyone and their sister seems to be pregnant all at the same time, I hear women complaining about their morning sickness completely unaware that so many of us would kill to be in their shoes, women complaining that they've been trying to get pregnant for "so long" when it's only been 2-8 months or even a year., women who claimed they didn't even want kids two years ago and are now having a baby...I hear all these things and they infuriate me and make me bitter...and then I get infuriated with myself for being bitter about someone else's happiness. It's honestly a vicious cycle and one I would never wish on anybody...Truth be told, "national daughter's day" this past week was a knife to my heart all day long and I felt the pain of losing her all over again..I absolutely considered getting rid of all social media so I wouldn't have to see it as much...

In looking back and reading through my previous paragraph, I want to delete it. I don't want to admit that I have those thoughts or bitter feelings. I don't want to admit to being a selfish jerk, I don't want you all to read it and think less of me...but I've promised to be honest and open with this blog so there it is.

Whenever I am feeling that way, something I have to keep telling myself on repeat: becoming a mom is not a competition and there's no use in comparing our story to someone else's. I'm a relatively intelligent woman, I know this, but I will admit I have been guilty of comparing our hardships with the relative ease of others. I have found myself truly happy for those I know who become pregnant and then I've found myself crying on the floor in my bathroom over the very same news...I'm not proud of it...and I don't want it to take away from the excitement I absolutely have for them and honestly, the fact that I feel anything but joy for them brings more guilt than I could ever describe. I know that there are women out there who have suffered miscarriages and they feel the same as me, but then I also know of other women who seem to be handling it or who have handled it so much better than I am and I feel ashamed. So, due to this vicious cycle that I don't want to be a part of anymore, I have made the executive decision to simply stop. We all know life is not fair, life is not something we can plan out and have it go accordingly, we have no control over what may happen, BUT we do have control over how we react and how we handle ourselves. Thus (yes I said thus), I am getting my head out of my self-pitying a** and truly moving forward. 

Since receiving Hermes' test results and speaking with our doctors, it has been decided that IVF is our next course of action. This was the path we were on before our little girl graced our lives and it's now back in play. We actually found out that, due to my body going back to "normal" quicker than anticipated, we could have started IVF last month. Hermes and I grappled with the decision of moving forward so soon or waiting and we decided it was best to wait. Trust me, I wanted to jump right in and get pregnant again the minute I could, but with multiple weddings, birthdays and a trip to Hawaii scheduled, we thought it was best to wait. We didn't want to stress each other out during these happy times, celebrations and vacations so we are going to enjoy ourselves and begin IVF when we get back.

I'm not going to lie...I've really wrestled with the fear of moving forward, the choices and decisions we will have to make, as well as deciding how open I want to be during this entire process.

Hermes and I recently found out someone was pregnant when they were around 7 weeks and Hermes' initial response was that it was really early to be telling people. My question to him was why? The whole point of not telling people early on is in case you suffer a loss...well we've kinda been there and done that and I have obviously done this entire thing backwards...I didn't tell a lot of people except family and a few close friends that I was pregnant, but I've now seemingly told everyone I know and anyone who cares to listen or read about our loss.  Having said that, am I really strong enough or brave enough to share our entire IVF process with you all? Am I really ready to let everyone into our lives? Not just into our past and talk about what has already happened, but actually share with you what may happen and what is yet to be? Can I really tell you all about the entire IVF process, all of the drugs, shots, side effects, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, egg retrieval, the waiting, monitoring, actual in vitro process, more waiting and then the news if we magically become pregnant or not while we are actually going through it and learning about it ourselves? I am an extremely open person, obviously, but I still haven't decided if I'm able, willing or frankly strong enough to do all of that...I feel like there is a huge difference between providing a play by play of our lives as it's happening compared to sharing the "not top ten" that has already occurred...I know a few women who have done it and they are so open, exposed and raw and are honestly my heroes; I'm just not sure I can be as strong and brave as they are and were in sharing their experiences so it looks like only time will tell.

Now on top of the uncertainty of IVF in general, Hermes and I are struggling with the decision of "trying" for twins or not. It will absolutely depend on how many embryos we end up having, if any, and what their grades are. Depending on all of those factors, we can then decide if we want to implant only one embryo or multiple ones and it's most likely going to be a game time decision. There is always the possibility that even implanting more than one would only result in one baby or no babies. (Sidebar-many people think that IVF automatically means you'll become pregnant, but that is not the case. Truth be told, I think the rate of success is still only 67% or so and I know people who are going in their third and fourth round of IVF and still not pregnant so that's always in the back of your mind as well. End sidebar.) There's also the possibility that even if we implant only one, it could magically split and become twins on it's own. Personally, I would LOVE twins. I think that while it would be difficult and crazy, it would be amazing to have two babes at the same time and it would help us make up for lost time in a way. While the thought of twins absolutely excites me, the possibility of something going wrong and the unknown scares me even more. 

We could implant two embryo's and magically get pregnant with twins and then lose one or both...the risk of miscarriage is higher with multiples. On top of that, even if my body was able to keep both babies, multiples carry the risk of delivering prematurely which can then cause numerous problems, health issues, etc. that the babies would possibly have to deal with their entire lives. I absolutely hate that these thoughts even pop in my head, let alone all of the time. I really think ignorance is bliss at times like this and I would much rather not know about all of the risks and potential outcomes.

Whenever I think about the possibilities of what could go wrong, I become frustrated with myself all over again and just remember my grandma saying there was no point in worrying over something that may never happen. It's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle, I can't always control my ever wandering thoughts, but I'm trying. I'm choosing to be excited about IVF and all of the possibilities that lie ahead as opposed to being fearful. 

While I am looking forward and thinking ahead, I can't help but think that I would have been 18 weeks pregnant yesterday...we would have found out we were having a girl and may have even had a gender reveal. It is difficult to think about, but instead of feeling sorry for myself and dwelling, I'm actively moving forward. As scary as it may be, I'm trying to focus on the possibility of becoming pregnant with another little one and now deciding whether I'm going to share that with all of you. 

With tomorrow being my birthday I'm praying for some "one year older" wisdom to help me decide how vocal I want to be in moving forward. It's a decision Hermes and I will make together, but God bless that man, he is so supportive and just tells me to do whatever I think will help so we'll see.

I'm going to end this post with a quote posted by someone I follow on Instagram. I'm going to focus on the fact that we are now hopefully on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. Thanks for reading!