It feels like some days the hits keep on coming, but guess what? I hit back.

I want to start off by saying that I don’t want pity and I definitely don’t constantly feel sorry for myself, although some days are harder than others. I know that there are millions of people out there going through difficult times and I promise you, I count my blessings daily. I know how fortunate I am to have the most wonderful and supportive family and friends, as well as the one person who can truly get me through it all, my husband Hermes. He is going through the same issues as me and yet is always my rock and never waivers. He supports me, comforts me and more importantly, gives me hope. He gives me hope that we will get through all of this and come out even stronger on the other side. For all of that and through all of this, he is my greatest blessing.

Having said all of that, you would think that with everything we’ve already gone through I’d be used to surprises and be prepared for anything…however I am constantly reminded that that is not the case.

I never really thought I’d be in this position… Being a 28 year old wife to a 29 year old cancer survivor, dealing with infertility for two years due to that cancer when you’ve wanted to be a mom your entire life, then to actually know and feel you’re magically pregnant the month before you are going to start IVF? To see the baby grow on screen over the weeks and actually see and hear the heartbeat get stronger? To attending your 10 week appointment when you’re so close to being “in the clear” and then not seeing that tiny flicker on the screen…to knowing deep down in your soul that there isn’t a heartbeat anymore even before the tech confirms it…

Cancer….infertility…miscarriage…three words I never imagined would be a part of our lives, let alone an all consuming part within our first two years of marriage.

Not to be all melodramatic, but how did we get here? How much shit do my amazing husband and I have to go through to prove that we’re strong and can get through anything? I know what we’re capable of, but I have to say I’m really growing tired of constantly being tested.

Today is the day I go in for the procedure that all too many woman who have lost their babies before me have had to go through. In a few hours, I will need to decide if I want to be knocked out completely so I can be oblivious to all that the doctors and nurses are doing, or if I want to be numbed, but stay awake while my baby is taken away… Right now, I truly don’t know which I will choose, or which I can even handle. As I told a good friend this morning who unfortunately understands this herself all too well, part of me wants to be awake so I can silently say good bye… I know my baby is gone, but I feel like I need to be there for him or her…then the other part of me isn’t sure I can handle it and that makes me feel selfish…This is never a decision I thought I’d have to make…but I do know that this too shall pass and I am praying for any and all who have had to go through this or may have to go through this one day.

I’m really hoping that writing this down and sharing our journey with anyone who even cares to read will be therapeutic and maybe even help someone else going through a difficult time..selfishly I’m really hoping for some understanding, clarity and maybe even acceptance or peace. Infertility and miscarriage are often things talked about behind closed doors or in soft whispers; however I have far too many friends going through very similar things as myself so if publicly announcing our journey helps even one of them, I’ll gladly share. I’ve always been ridiculously outspoken and open as you all know so I don’t think it will come as too much of a surprise that I’m putting myself out there. One request in doing so and putting myself out there, please be kind. Please forgive me for any typos, swearing, political incorrectness as well as the days where I am feeling sorry for myself and need a good slap to the face. Don’t worry, I promise you I will be the one to give me that slap and the pity party won’t last long, but some days it may happen beyond all control.

Reading through this novel, I guess that’s all I have in me for now. Lack of sleep, too many tears and a splitting headache probably means it wasn’t the best time to start writing, but it seems to have helped calm me down a little. More later or tomorrow, depending on how I feel. Thank you in advance to any and all who care to read and send thoughts and prayers. We know how fortunate we are even when it doesn’t always feel that way.