Lauren and the technicolor dream dress (Amanda, this is for you)

So it's been a couple days. I figured I'd give y'all a break from me for awhile in case you really do want to keep reading. (Yes, this Ohio girl just said y'all trying to embrace her southern home.)

I was sitting here this morning, sipping on my cup of coffee in my DZ mug from college, thinking about how so many of my college friends, let alone childhood friends, law school friends, residency friends, family friends, family, etc. have reached out to show us their love and support. People I haven't spoken with in years have reached out to let us know they are thinking and praying for us and all of your messages and comments have meant the world.

So many of you have said that we are so strong and brave for sharing our story, and I want to be able to say that I feel that way, but there are days where those words and feelings seem so far out of our grasp and I feel weak and whiny (two feelings I absolutely despise...).

The night of the Republican debate, Hermes and I were sitting on the couch watching it after dinner. We're relaxing with the dog when Hermes looks between Ashes and me and says, "I love my babies". This is something he has sweetly said regularly since we've been together; to me and our fur baby. It's also something where the last few times he has said it, he included our Lil Bean...He would smile at me and say, "I love my babies" all the while holding me, rubbing my belly and petting the dog at the same time...

This was the first time he had said it since our loss and his words literally just seemed to hang in the air... For a second I couldn't breathe...And then I just started to silently cry. Up until that point, I had been so proud of myself that I had only cried once that day and now I was back to sobbing like a baby into my husband's shoulder.

I know that this is going to hurt for a long time, but I keep reminding myself that at least I have the most amazing friends and family as well as this sweet amazing man and I thank God for you all and for my wonderful husband every day. You all and especially Hermes are the ones getting me through this and I only pray I'm half as good a friend, sister, daughter, wife, etc as you all are for me...Looking back, I know I need to allow myself to cry when needed and let the tears fall, but I was never much of a cryer until the past couple of years and it still takes some getting used to.

While I have realized I need to allow myself to cry, I think I've more importantly learned that I need to allow myself to laugh. There have been a few times this week where I have laughed and let myself get carried away or think about something else and I've then found myself feeling guilty. This can't be healthy. I think it's healthy to laugh, and smile and allow yourself to be distracted by the fun things in life. In my mind, I need to allow myself to find happiness in the midst of strife and family and friends are allowing me to do that.

Just last night, I was feeling relatively relaxed after a glass of wine....okay, okay, it was half a bottle...and I was on the phone with my sister in law. She and I were laughing about one thing or another and had just hung up. I then reached for my glass and managed to spill some red wine all over my very white shirt and soft white pillow. Hermes of course laughs at me as I jump up and run to our laundry room looking for stain remover. I find the bottle in the cupboard...empty...and beg him to run upstairs and get me bleach. When he comes downstairs, I am embarrassed to say that I am standing there in less than attractive pajama pants, hair pulled in a frizzy pony tail, in a simple, old bra, in god awful fluorescent lighting...you can imagine how appealing that sight was; yet, my sweet husband looks at me and in all honesty and sincerity actually states "you look really good right now..." while he smiles that devious smile wives (or at least this wife) generally love to see. In this particular moment, I simply burst out laughing. I had so many thoughts running through my head:

1) I am a hot mess and can't believe I spilled wine all over myself;
2) Please dear lord let the bleach work, I really like that simple white shirt;
3) I feel frumpy and sloppy and gross and my husband still genuinely finds me attractive;
4) How did I get so lucky with this most miraculous man?;
5) How fitting that Amanda and I were just discussing myself with a technicolor dream dress (long story) and I managed to make my own multi-colored clothes..;
      and lastly....
6) I'm really mad I just wasted some of that delicious wine by spilling it...

It was only after I sat back down and Hermes had gone to bed that I truly allowed myself to think "I would give anything to not be drinking wine right now and still have my sweet baby growing inside me." And then the guilt sat in...

Why do we do that to ourselves?? Why do we take away the small pleasures from ourselves in moments of pain? Well I've decided no more. I wore my angel wings necklace with my baby's March birthstone today and found myself constantly reaching towards it and rubbing it throughout the day. I've decided that every time I do that I'm going to smile. I'm going to smile at the thought of our sweet angel safe and happy up above and going to smile at the thought that I was lucky enough to be that angel baby's mama, even if only for a short time.

So after reflecting with my coffee this morning, I felt like I needed to pray and decided I wanted to look at all of the pictures we had received during the ultrasounds in the short time we had our little one...I always have a candle lit when home and it seems to calm me down and bring me peace so I laid the pictures beside it. I'm choosing to look at this photo as one of remembrance, but also one of hope. I have hope that we will one day have more pictures of another baby who continues to grow healthy and strong and I believe that we will.

I'll end this post with a smile on my face and with another message to our little one. We love you and miss you and will see you again.