Move forward even when you feel like you're standing still

So I've decided I really am the worst at waiting, being patient and basically having no control over anything. This is obviously a problem in general, let alone at our particular stage in life... and yesterday just continued to prove it.

Hermes had two doctor appointments yesterday morning, one to check if chemo was still in his system to see if we could/should even try naturally once my body gets back to normal and the other was his 6 month CT scan to make sure the cancer was still gone. Obviously we were planning on a very fun and exciting Tuesday morning...

Nothing special really occurred during the first appointment and we just needed to wait for the results which we were hoping to get either yesterday or today. The second appointment was where more frustration and aggravation occurred.

As if these days and tests for cancer don't bring enough anxiety and apprehension, the last time Hermes had a CT scan he had a reaction to the contrast he was given and ended up getting two large hives on his face/forehead. He was given Benadryl and lord knows what else and it seemed to work and his hives were gone. Well this morning, being the good patient and doctor that he is, Hermes mentions this to the nurse who was helping with the scan. (As a side note, we were at a new place for the first time for this scan since he switched hospitals and insurance, so he didn't know the people administering it all.) Needless to say, the woman basically panicked and said she didn't know if they would even be able to do the scan that day without giving him a ton of drugs first to ensure an allergic reaction wouldn't happen and he may just have to go to the other hospital to get it done. He explained that he had taken Benadryl beforehand and it really was't a big deal, but she insisted that she needed to follow protocol and speak with the radiologist, figure out what meds he would need to take, etc. etc. Now I understand that none of this was this woman's fault and she was simply doing her job, but this entire process had already taken an hour and a half of just sitting there so we were frustrated..

Long story short, we rescheduled for today, had to go to the pharmacy to get enough drugs to knock out an elephant and giant bottles of liquid contrast (all for two stinking hives) and then went to grab lunch as we were both quite hangry and the appointment that didn't happen managed to somehow take over two hours.

A couple hours later, Hermes receives an email that his results from the first appointment of the day are already ready. We were sitting there and honestly nervous to open the email which we both found odd and amusing. Why were we nervous? The worst was already behind us so this was basically just telling us if IVF was immediate or if we would try naturally before we moved to IVF if necessary. Nonetheless, we were both hesitating to go over these results..

Hermes opens it up and while some parts and statistics were higher than pre-chemo results, the main/important aspect was still below average. The nurse reached out and said that chemo was still definitely affecting him and asked what she could do for us moving forward.

In going over the results, at first we were a little upset, but now we are choosing to look at it positively. The results show progress and that Hermes is getting better and stronger and closer to where he was pre-chemo so we're getting there. We also decided that his results were actually good in that they didn't even give us the option of whether we wanted to try for awhile or just jump into IVF; going straight to IVF seems like the only option.  So after speaking with the nurse some more, we have decided we are going to move forward with the reproductive endocrinologist and start IVF as soon as my body is back to normal and we are able.

Now I'm not naive in thinking that IVF is ideal...it's obviously not. The giant bag of drugs and shots that I will have to administer on myself can be pretty overwhelming and the side effects can be grueling, but I'm honestly so ready that it doesn't even scare me. We've been through cancer and chemo, two years of infertility, multiple tests and ultrasounds, three failed IUI's where the drugs and shots I had to use were anything but fun and the side effects were no joke, as well as magically getting pregnant and then losing our baby, so my thinking is if we can get through all of that, IVF is just one more thing we'll get through and hopefully lead us to our long awaited and prayed for baby.

Honestly, it feels good to at least have an idea of what to expect and what to do in the near future, even if there isn't really anything we can really do right now. So while I do feel like we are simply standing still right now, I also feel like we are doing everything we can to move forward as much as possible and we're getting there....slowly but surely...

Hermes and I also received news a couple days ago that a family friend had been pregnant and unfortunately lost her baby as well.... this honestly broke my heart and made all sorts of emotions flood back... I hate that this is so common and that so many people have to feel how we have felt...I also know that it's probably too soon for her to even think about moving forward from there as I remember where I was right after my surgery and it was not a pleasant place...so I'm going to continue to pray for any and all people affected by infertility and loss and hope that you are able to move forward at some point, even if it feels like you're standing still right now.

Inch by inch, we'll get there...